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why do I have to become the abuser just like the father before me? today i lashed out on my younger brother because he wouldnt shut up, which is usually what would prompt my father to hit us as young kids and adolescents. I know i need mental health help but im scared to ask for it or really im still not willing to accept it. as i continuously try to ignore my anxiety and depression and just busy myself with work. the issues always appeared in me i guess it just took a blue bruise or two to realise it was materialising. i never wanted to turn out like him i never want to see him again or become his shadow but I dont know how to fix myself. where should i start and can i be fixed? I dont want it to be too late. its not fair because i have not healed from the abuse I experienced instead bottled it up because i thought it was normal and i cant take it out on my body because i view it as tainting and disgusting and the idea. Of cuts on my body or any harm to it overall will make me worthless as if im not already. i just want to live a life without stress. I believe some part of me hated my mums people pleasing habits and was not wiling to accept his actions towards me. i used to plan out in my head how to beat someone up and then i finally did it. i finally punched my father and realised i can now overcome his strength and fight him as an equal rather than a small child and a grown man with issues. I realised how inferior i was too him. it felt amazing to know i could now fight back and defend myself. no longer being oppressed and controlled by him i felt free. I felt the freedom of my life in my hand. the only thing that now scares me is if i take it too far it will affect my clean record anywhere i go.
This is from the perspective of a girl. I know it sounds weird to punch your father and have more strength then him but I've always worked out and for those bastards out there saying girls should work out, shut the hell up. anyways, i do feel free now, now that I've realised his control over me has weakened with age but the lasting mental health problems that we all suffered because of him are going to be some expensive therapy.
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