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I've been struggling with bipolar depression since I was 13 years old (type II bipolar, but sometimes I reach full mania when heavily using drugs) and I'm about to turn 26 this month. It only took me until age 17 to discover the potential to numb my emotions using various substances, both legal and illegal. Since then, I've been on a rough, depressing, scenic/beautiful steady downward spiral. I've been brought back to life once, survived other attempted suicides, was almost killed by others a couple of times, got raped, abused, heavily addicted, prostituted myself for money to pay rent and buy drugs.. my body is covered in scars (ankles, calves, thighs, stomach anch chest, forearms and biceps, and my lower back) from relentless cutting- many of them remaining as noticeably raised lines from the wound stretching apart/cutting too deep. I had thought I got away from all the seriously bad things.. but I always seem to drag myself back. I'm back to prostituting for side money because my job isnt providing enough hours and all I want to do is be able to afford seeing my fiancée's mother out-of-state and afford to stay high, and I'm feeling more guilty than ever about it all because I always arrange plans to "make money" when I'm in one of my manic phases.. and then I switch back to depressed/normal, and I just feel disgusted with myself but feel as though I can't change my mind on my comittments with clients because then I won't have the extra money to help my partner and I out financially.. it's such a nightmare.. I just wish I could support the both of us but I can't.. and trying to make as much money as her always leads to me doing things that hurt the both of us more than they help.. thank god for these methylphenidate pills I got for my birthday from my sister in law.. even though they'll likely make me manic, at least I'll be productive and maybe be able to provide for us despite all my issues..
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