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I like him but its terrifying
4 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I never had crushes on girls or really anyone for that matter. At first I thought I was just picky and after a while I even wondered if I was asexual or something like that. There were times that I'd look at a girl and think she was pretty or that I'd want to be friends but nothing else. I started feeling weird about that during middle school because all my friends would be talking about their crushes and who they thought was hot and making dirty jokes about them but I never joined in on that. It felt unnatural. I thought I was just less into girls than they were if that makes sense. I never thought about the possibility of me liking boys instead but I really think I might be gay now and that's scary to me but I don't know why. Logically I shouldn't be so stressed about this but maybe it's something ingrained in me from society or from my friends. My friends are not the nicest to be honest. I mean they're okay to me but sometimes they'll make fun of people for no reason and not in a playful, just-joking way either. I used to go along with it but I can't do that anymore. I don't belong with them.
I'm writing this post mainly to vent and to talk about this one friend of mine that I think I'm a little obsessed with. He's so cute. I love his smile and I love his laugh and how he gets all shy sometimes when I tease him about something. He's always so nice to me and it's like whenever I need someone he's always there. I never feel like I'm inconveniencing him. He's also really affectionate but only with me (which I like too much) and he'll come up and hug me whenever he sees me. It's a little embarrassing when there are other people around but I'd still never stop him. I love his hugs. I feel so nervous as I'm writing this and thinking about him. This is so weird to me. Life suddenly feels so complicated. I'll have to be around him in school tomorrow and all I'm gonna be thinking about is this post. That's going to make it so awkward.
I know he's gay, he told me. Knowing that makes me excited for some reason... oh no.. I definitely have a crush on him don't I? Fuck. I wouldn't be excited about him being gay unless I liked him right? I think he thought I'd ditch him if I knew because he didn't actually want to tell me it just happened because one of HIS friends said something about it infront of me (I guess they assumed I knew) and he just laughed nervously and looked uncomfortable after his friend left and it was just me and him again. He tried to play it off like it was only a joke but I said it was fine if he was so he admitted it. I felt bad that he thought I'd stop talking to him or judge him. Its probably because he knows who else I hang out with. That makes me feel so guilty but I don't know how to leave my friend group and I'm worried about what would happen if I did. It would be a BIG change.
After his accidental coming out is when we started getting closer and I started liking him alot more. I've never liked anyone like this. It's so overwhelming. I was crying about it earlier. I don't know what to do about liking him or about my shitty friends that I'm still attached to. I wish I was more like them so I could stop being so emotional. It's very aggravating. I'll probably start crying again in a minute