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I feel like shit. I don’t know how to describe it, but I feel like dying right now wouldn’t be such a bad option. I feel like I don’t find anything interesting anymore, like life doesn’t have a purpose. I don’t want to hang out with my friends, I don’t want to play my sport, I don’t want to do anything. I hate this feeling. The thing that currently makes me happy is just being on my phone or computer in bed at night, when no one is awake. No one is talking to me, no one is calling me or in my life. I know this sounds me and I feel guilty that I feel this way about the people that I love. I also feel like I’m not living for myself. I feel like I’m living just so I don’t disappoint and fail my family. For example, the only reason I haven’t quit volleyball is because if I do I would fail my parents every year for the past 6-7 years I’ve been in volleyball, and I feel like if I quit now all that time and money would’ve gone to waste. In practices everyone can see that I would rather die than be there and I can’t help it, I can’t force myself to be happy. Though one thing I hate with all my heart is that when I come back from a bad practice they talk about it behind my backs and sometimes I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE IDIOTS LIKE STOP TALKING BAD ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACKS ABOUT MY ATTITUDE AND HOW I DO IN PRACTICES AND HELP ME. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME. CANT YOU SEE THAT I AM STRUGGLING THAT IM NOT THE DAME THAT I HAVE CHANGED SO FOR THE LOVE OF GOD UNDERSTAND THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP…..anyways I also hate how they always talk about Volleyball it’s like they don’t have a life outside volleyball. We could be in a funeral and they could somehow still mention Volleyball somehow. Im tired. I feel like I keep dissapointing people. This year is where I’m actually going to break down. It’s my first year as a high schooler. Grades start to count. Have to be more social. More active. Less me. and after that sophomore, junior, and senior. The worst part will be a few more years ahead when I have to graduate. I have to find an interest and find what I would like to study and spend the rest of my life working in. Im not prepared for that. I just wish that the world just exploded with everyone and me in it. And it would leave nothing. Some find the concept of noting scary. I find it relaxing. No anxiety. No insecurities. No problems. No sadness. Just nothing. Peace. I feel like nothing. I can’t keep up. I am so close to just give up.
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