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Why do people change?
Why did I change?
And even if I changed, why did I change to this?
Growing up as the youngest in my family, everyone used to tell me that I was the smartest kid they have ever encountered.
I was 5 years old at time. And I remember trying soo hard to say something sensible and smart everytime I speak.
I started going to school on and off. My family moved a lot due wars going in our country, so I never lasted in one school for more that a year. And there was gap in my education.
We finally settled in a semi peaceful country and I started going to school regularly.
I was the only child in my family going to school at that time. My siblings gave up long before me.
I still remember the first time I came 2nd place in my whole class I was 12 years old. And I remember how happy my mother was. She went outside holding my report card /transcript in her hand and showed to all of our neighbors.
I remember the rush and knot I felt in my stomach.
I craved for that attention. I wanted her to be proud of me even more. I became the first in my class and the praises never stopped.
I started to speak in fluent English. And I was lapeled as the neighborhood translator.
Do you need a translator? If yes, I got your back.
Little did I know that I would get addicted to this feeling of being needed constantly. This feeling that I can’t describe with words. The most well behaved girl, the smartes, the kindest, never say no to anything or anyone.
Strangers started calling me doctor (name) when I was 15.
…
We moved to the U.S.A when I was 16 years old. New country, new environment, new culture, and new school. I struggled for few months and then I adjusted to my environment.
I corrected my accent, found a part time job, volunteered over 200+ hours, and graduated from high school with 4.3 GPA honor student and the head of NHS, All in 3 years.
But WHY? Why did I had to change? I good as was until I started college.
I FAILED. I Failed in class for the first. ME?
The took that class again. And guess what, I FAILED again.
I quited school, I stopped talking to people, and sadly I stoped dreaming. The only good thing in my life is my family and my work.
Today I have no ambition, no motivation, no friends, and I can’t focus on anything.
I feel like I am a BIG disappointment to my family and a loser. I tell myseld I am 21 years old I will figure something out eventually. But deep down I know I changed.
I am just sad that I changed for worse.
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Maybe you changed, and it's hurting you so much. You can always change again in a way that's healthier for yourself. Remember, you are more than your grades, how smart other people see you or how smart you see yourself. Intelligence is more than your IQ or how well you do in school- and consciously you probably (I'm guessing, atleast) realise that but feel you can't stop seeing your inherent value as attached to your grades, or job or productivity. You are not a disappointment, not a failure, and you're no less 'valuable' now than you were when you were getting a 4.3 GPA. You are you- you are a person, and you will always matter whether you change or whether you don't. Maybe this sounds preachy coming from an anonymous commenter online, I don't know, but I swear I care and I'm being honest because NO ONE matters less no matter whether they're at their lowest or highest points.
It takes time, and if you're lucky there's therapy. Maybe try finding some kind of media to feel passionate about- a TV series, or webnovels or anything, really? That's what makes me feel alive again. Journalling also helps with positive self-talk or just ranting about how bad you feel. [Mad respect for learning English so fast, by the way.] Hope you feel happier soon. That's what matters.
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