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He was only 18 months older than me
But he was being fucking annoying
And overtly sexual
One day
When the parents were gone
He was annoying me
Saying
Hey
Let me stick my dick in your ass
You can do it to me
I said no
But he persisted
And he cornered me
So I agreed
Being the retarded 12 year old I was
And it hurt immediately
And I stopped
I did it back to him
Then felt disgust
I was in pain
Never wanted to do that again
For some reason I think he thinks he has power over me to this day because of it
I hate him
And I hate myself for it
I should've just punched him mercilessly
But violence wasn't allowed
Because I was way stronger
But it should've been done
Because the emotional and psychological trauma that is a result of it has been awful
I can't believe I let myself fall victim to that
I had no idea what it would mean
Or what would take place
But now I know
And I'm going to allow myself to be violent against anything like that again
This sucks
Having to admit this 17 years after it happened
I feel weak because of it
Because I let my own belief that violence was never acceptable..
Because I let that allow someone to psychologically defeat me and convince me to do something shameful at such a young age of confusion
To this day
I want to see him dead and bleeding
Because he hasn't changed
He's still drunk with the idea of sex and power
But I'm going to allow myself
To be violent
Against predator mindsets such as his.
And never fall victim to it.
I will not be a victim any longer
Thanks for reading.
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As this is still bothering you please talk to a therapist about it. You are very angry with your brother after all of this time so you need help to put it behind you and lock it in the past.
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