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So basically…I’m curious.
Mentally, with people & situations that don’t exist, I could be slutty. Politically very sex-positive & kink friendly. I’m open minded. But in real life…I freeze when someone dances too close to me, or touches me when I’m not expecting it. I get a huge neon sign flashing ‘NO’. I love how I look in certain outfits, but when I feel someone looking at me I want to cover up.
I don’t really have any friends that I can test my boundaries with. I don’t know whether I’m genuinely asexual, and if trying to do something would be like forcing myself through conversion therapy. If ace is what I am, then I shouldn’t want to change.
At the same time…at gay bars, when I see people confidently dancing and flirting and chains glinting in the strobe lights, I get so envious. I feel so out of place that it makes me want to cry.
Part of me really craves intimacy, the other (more visible) part is basically a cactus.
I’ve had plenty of offers from strangers, and never felt anything other than panic and confusion. I resort to being cold and catty because it helps me feel safe.
I haven’t been r*ped or anything like that. There’s the usual thing of guys being a bit too presumptuous and touchy, but I’ve hit them before they got too far and thankfully that was enough.
Maybe tmi, but I’ve watched different types of porn to try and make myself feel something, and it just makes me irritated.
I can’t imagine a single real human being that I want to sleep with, but at the same time I want to try with Someone, at Some Point.
I also wouldn’t want to be honest but wouldn’t want them to feel used…
I don’t know. It’s a mess. Can anyone make sense of this?
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Maybe slow down and know the person better before going into something sexual? I find it weird when strangers want to have sex... it is NO NO for me.
ReplyFair, it’s just weird because like…it’s very unfamiliar territory. I get loads of unwanted attention from strangers, but there’s no one offering to ‘just talk and get to know each other gradually’, and I don’t really know how to initiate that without seeming weird. Like, I can be fun to be around but I’m not friend material? Idk. Mess.
Good to know I’m not the only one freaked out by it though!
ReplyOk from reading the first part and knowing some people that are ace, this doesn't sound like you are ace. Moreso that you are a anxious/nervous/socially awkward person. And not all people are ok with touching tbh. I know I react the same as you in public but if I really trust someone I can allow myself to relax and love them. I can be touched or even be near them. But in public i am my introverted self, the "please don't touch me" guy. As for the porn and sex thing, at some point you will find someone you love and actually want to do that stuff with. I felt the same way as you do now until I found my fiance and now I am able to be more comfortable in my own skin. T o be completely honest you sound like a solid introvert when it comes to sensory aspect, but that does often feel very unsatisfying. What you do with this information is up to you. This is just what it sounded like to me.
ReplyThat’s interesting, looks like I’ll have to work on the trust thing & get a more consistent social group.
Thanks for your comment :)
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