My Unsent Letter

To my love.

I am sorry I make you anxious and that I apologize so much. I wish I could be the man that you see in me. You see me as strong-willed, intelligent, kind, and compassionate. In reality I am tortured mentally, might be book smart but even then I don't have much going for me, I lie too often out of impulse, I am afraid to fail, and I am kind to others because I treat others the way I wish I was treated.

You will never completely understand what hardships I have been through because if they involve someone else you would rather have their ok so I can tell you, despite it being my side to the story. I love you so much it hurts because once again I was given something I could lose. I struggle reaching out to others because the ones that I did in the past, left me all alone. I throw myself into my education and work to keep my mind from reminding me of all my pain. Despite accepting myself and coming to terms with my past I still have ptsd. I wish I could tell you everything, but I know you wouldn't ever look at me the same. Honestly, I do hope for the days when my mind goes silent so I can start living my life again. The voices and thoughts have been around for 14 years, though I believe I can get better. However, I wish it could be today. I wish I could show you the me that I can be when I am not depressed/stressed/& or anxious. I want that to be the majority.

But most importantly, I wish you'd pick me. I wish you'd choose me to be with, but that is just a selfish thought. Odds are with the way I am the relationship wouldn't work out. But yet you still love me. You say you love me and show that love for me constantly. You even entertain the idea that we could even be in a relationship. You are the light in the darkness that doesn't have a catch. I love you more than I ever loved anyone else. I just wish I could tell you all of this, but I cannot because I am so afraid of what might happen. I know you wouldn't break our friendship; however, you would want some distance from me and right now I know that I'd drown without you.

I want you to be happy even if it means its not with me. This is what I wish I had the strength and courage to tell you Love.

From, your bestfriend N.