Loneliness

Loneliness, it must be the one thing everyone is trying to avoid, right? I spend a day alone at home and I feel my sense of happiness dwindle. When I was younger life was fuller, I filled up my evenings and weekends with friends and family, parties and birthdays. Now I am older life feels more focused on work and paying bills, planning for the future. I am married but that doesn't mean my loneliness is gone. We can sit side by side watching a TV programme but he's also doing something on his laptop so can I really say someone is there with me? maybe a presence but not someone who is helping to alleviate the loneliness. I run back to my family because there I feel less lonely for a day or two, babies to cuddle, people to listen to, cry with or eat with. But ultimately it comes back to my flat, me, my laptop and the silence. Trying to fill silence with Netflix, or reading, or sitting on the balcony listening to neighbours conversations or the sound of traffic. But nothing truly takes loneliness away so I wonder what is it? Is it a deep longing to be known? seen? heard? understood? in constant communication about everything and nothing? Is it deeper than our physical, is something missing in my spirit? why did it not seem so prevalent before? How can my life have changed this much? maybe I am just thinking more. Maybe this is how most people feel when they get older, into their thirties, less fun and games, less of not taking life seriously, more loss and more to consider?

My husband has lost his mum and recently his dad too - he doesn't process it. Just sits in his loss, in his sadness. Because he can't process it outwardly, this means we don't connect and this adds to this loneliness. Do we all crave deep meaningful connection? is there a wrong or right way to feel? Maybe not. Maybe this is just how life goes for everyone - enjoying our youth and then bam.. life isn't so fun anymore. I look back at old pictures and think, wow I looked so care free and happy, how did I have money to do so many things, what was I always smiling or laughing about? Can I get this back, how? anything to get back that feeling of no isolation. Maybe this is how all extraverts feel....