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I thought there would be shame, but I don't feel a thing. I don't care, but I feel like I should act like I care. Because no matter how small the scars are, I know there is a pattern. This emptiness is gonna swallow me whole while I will be convincing others that I'm fine.
It's so weird people care when you have the red lines because obviously that's when it means there is something wrong with you, then they would try to set you right by being disappointed in you. Who doesn't feel excellent when that happens after all, right? But while you try your best to fight the urges, and every day feels like death not getting any better, what you feel becomes unimportant and normal to them; "It'll pass, everybody feels that, don't think too much, just do it".
Anyways, it doesn't matter. I don't give a damn about what they think this time, which was the only thing that held me back last time, so maybe I should worry a little, I don't know.
All I know is that I'm back at point zero after so long.
Fuck this.
It's starting again.
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Don't start again. There are other things you can channel your urge's to self harm into. So what yeah you might've relapsed but 971 days of no self harm is pretty admirable. Don't say fuck it I'll start again. As a former cutter I know what it feels like. It truly didn't help me and I still bare the scars. So as another human who believes in you please don't start again <3. You did a good job staying clean so just start over.
ReplyAs someone else said, even if it's your 972nd day before relapse, you can channel that self harm into other activities. And yes, you might have disappointed others, but sometimes that's because they want to see you get better. If you don't mind me asking, what thoughts, emotions, or situations cause you to start harming yourself?
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