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I wish that I kept a log of how long it's been since I've cut myself. I don't know what brought this on, but I've noticed that it's been a long time since I've cut.
Let me start at the beginning. I made a post talking about how I don't like being recognized for "good" things that I do because I'm human. In that post I've mentioned that I've hurt people, I've been rude, etc.
I've been clinically diagnosed with depression so the feelings of guilt that I feel are amplified by like 10. Whenever I felt that guilt, or felt like I deserve pain, I'd make a cut in my upper left bicep. I think I have somewhere between 7-8 scars.
Not sure if this makes a difference but, I'm black and I fall under the dark-skinned spectrum so since those cuts have scarred over, it's impossible for anyone else to see them unless they literally invade my personal space.
Like I said, it's been...man it feels like ages since I've cut, but I'm a little upset because I don't have much to celebrate in terms of accomplishments and I feel like me not cutting is a decent sized one to celebrate, but I just don't know how long it's been. Darn.
At least I haven't cut...right? Silver linings
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It is good. It is really, very good as a matter of fact. Because if you don't remember how long it's been, that means that you haven't been brought back to that place inside where that's the only thing you can think to do. It might even mean that you feel less like hurting yourself in general. And what could be a surer sign of progress?
I haven't cut in 16 years, myself. And I'm still fighting every single day to untangle myself from the layers of mental health issues that I've had for almost twice as long.
From this place where I am, it sounds like you might even have more reason to celebrate than you think. Because sometimes it's the little victories, not the big ones, that give us all of the edge over our inner demons that we need.
I hope you go another day without cutting. And then another week. And then another month. But even if that doesn't work out, I can't judge you at all. Because just being where you are is taking steps in the right direction.
And even the most complicated journey still has to go one step at a time when you're there in real time, you know?
I don't know if this will help you or not: but, along my own journey I've found that being able to be extremely good to yourself, like giving yourself the love you didn't get as a child, forgiving yourself for the times that you have hurt people, and forgiving others for the sake of your own inner peace, those kinds of holistic natural ways of being good to yourself (not the self-centered, egotistical stuff like being greedy, wanting to control others, or being worried about your future), that doing things like that is what REALLY helps other people. Because it lets you be there for others with strongly felt in-the-moment compassion and empathy, while at the same time not allowing you to break your own boundaries for the sake of "helping" others (which really just leads to resentment).
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