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I have nothing but hatred against "God" for cursing me with Asperger.
2 years ago · 4 · aspergers, +7 · Explicit
484
I'm saying this because I don't have a choice anymore. I am filled with anger. Filled with hatred. And this applies not just to myself and what I am by nature, but to that deceptive, monstrous abomination in the guise of the creature we all call God.
Sometimes I wonder why he gave me this curse. This cruel joke that I'll have to endure for the rest of whatever's left of my fucking life. I know what others may think. But frankly it doesn't resonate with me nor I fucking give a shit about it.
They tell me I'm not cursed. I have limbs and I can think for myself. I am not deformed.
Except for the part that I'm not cursed, I suppose it's true. My parents are rich, and they genuinely care about me. I don't have a physical disability or disease. I don't have a mental disease, unless I count the fact that I am Asperger. And in the end that very trait that defined me, that very damnation that courses through my essence is what led me to enter such a deep state of self-hatred, and the wish to rid myself of this curse. But that is HOPELESS. There is no cure for the trait that has long defined the deformity I have deep in my mind. So I can do nothing but grow my heart with utter hatred. The hatred of myself. The hatred of my life. And above all else, despise and curse the name of that so-called "benevolent" God you all believe in as well.
I have nothing to be thankful for against this divine wretch. No love, no belief, no passion. I have nothing to give against the monster that cursed me with this life.
He brought me endless pain as far as since I was born. A form of unending torture I didn't even deserve. And even with this hatred I still know he's real. I know he's out there somewhere, watching. But I don't fucking care about any of that as far as I am concerned. He did this to me. HE did this to me.
HE. DID THIS. TO ME.
He's the reason I always suffer, why I'm destined to be alone, and I never had, and likely never will have someone that truly loves me, much less any real friends to give me happiness. HE is the reason as to why I'm lonely, an outcast, a freak of nature and an EXILE from all normality. All I'm concerned is that he is a LIE. He's not the benevolent being you all think he is. In my eyes, he's not only as close as The Devil himself in terms of his true warped nature, if not he IS The Devil. And I don't ask any of you to pity me. And if you're angry against me for my words, if you think what I'm saying are all monstrosities, good. You have emotions and it's natural.
But all I want you to know is the truth. Because it is the truth.
That's all I'm gonna say.
Have a nice day.
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Aspergers, according to Google says "Asperger's Syndrome, a form of Autism Spectrum Disorder, is a developmental disorder. Young people with Asperger's Syndrome have a difficult time relating to others socially and their behavior and thinking patterns can be rigid and repetitive." That just sounds like a Myers Briggs ISTJ, certainly on the rigid and repetitive. Don't worry about it.
ReplyI have aspergers and am ISTJ O_o
ReplyThe only person you hurt with your hatred is yourself because you are the one who feels it and carries it everywhere with you. I sensed the anger in your post and you want to lay the blame for your asperger so you blame God by accusing Him of giving it to you as though it is a curse. This is like the bad fairy in the fairy tale Sleeping Beauty putting the curse on the girl. God isn't like this and this is the way you were born as everyone isn't born perfect. God can be your biggest help if you allow Him to be. He can be the rock you stand on and your guide. If you change your attitude towards Him you won't have the weight of the hatred that you carry but if you keep up with this hatred and bitterness you will be a very unhappy person. God forgives people their wrong doings so if you really believe that He caused you to have this ailment I hope that you can find it within you to forgive Him. Then have Him in your life forever as your heavenly loving father who wants the best for you. He loves you and doesn't want you to burden yourself with anger, hatred, and bitterness. There is no one to blame so drop the blame game and have your life light up by being free of burdens.
ReplyI am so saddened to see you describing yourself as an abomination. I am so sorry that anyone has caused you to to feel this way about yourself. Aspergers isn't a curse, it's just a neurological difference. The way your brain makes connections is a bit different to the way other people's brains make connections, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It's integral to who you are, and how you experience the world. Nobody deserves to feel bad about simply existing.
Are you part of any kind of support group or other network for people with Aspergers? I bet if you met some other people through the Asperger/Autism Network, or a similar forum, you wouldn't feel so alienated. Perhaps you would find some help with some of the aspects of being different that you struggle with. https://www.aane.org/
As for God... well, what if there wasn't some divine being you could blame for your existence? Would you then be able to stop feeling angry about it long enough to simply live your life?
I don't want to dismiss your faith, if that's important to you, but if you hate God so much, couldn't you simply... stop imagining Him? I did, and He vanished immediately. I haven't really worried about Him since.
This hatred and anger you feel towards yourself is really not good for you - it doesn't serve any purpose, it only causes you to suffer. I hope you will be able to reach a state of happiness and self-esteem by learning to accept yourself, and stop wishing things were different.
May God grant you the serenity to accept the things you cannot change; courage to change the things you can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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