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It scares me how easily I can lie through my teeth.
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If anyone ever figured me out, and the real me, not my billions of fake personas that I toss at my will, I would finally be saved.
Because even I don't understand who I am. Every time anyone asks me anything, I lie.
"What's your favorite fruit?" for example.
"Oh, strawberries." I lie, even though I know the answer. It's blackberries, isn't it? But maybe she will like me more if I say strawberries.
It ranges from the tiniest things to the biggest. When did you get this couch? When's your birthday? What's your cat's name? How old are you? Where do you live? Do you have any kids? How are you?
I know all the answers that are true. But I give another. Will I look more interesting? Will they like me more? And I will do anything to make them believe.
I have a memo for all my fake personas. Sabrina- the name I use when I'm talking to Ella, David Mintbox, or anyone from my old town. Her birthday- November 8th. Her entire life story- well, you don't need to know that much.
There's hundreds more like her that I'm beginning to lose count of.
If I ever want to become myself, I can't. I've already gotten so used to living in this way. All my "friends" who believe they can trust me are being lied to with every sentence that comes out of my mouth.
So that's why it's not that simple. I would have to move to another country or fake my own death to become me. Everyone I know, I would have to lose them to become me. And it seems like a fair trade. But I just can't. But maybe I can? I just don't know where to start, or even if I've already ended somehow.
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Maybe you have no singular coherent sense of identity…you could have integrated other personas into your identity to cope with interactions with people…
I don’t know anyone who has a solid singular sense of who they are…..
There’s ‘the sense of self’ that you experience…the ‘self’ that others perceive of you, and so on….
What is the ‘Self’
I’ll send you and interesting Ted Talks link about our experience of ‘self’.
Replyhttps://www.ted.com/talks/anil_seth_how_your_brain_invents_your_self
Reality: https://www.ted.com/talks/anil_seth_your_brain_hallucinates_your_conscious_reality
ReplyIdentity disturbances can also be a way to please other people and tailoring your persona/identity to accommodate their needs and wants.
Trauma and identity: https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S014019712030018X
https://safeharborim.com/trauma-and-identity/
ReplyAlso, look up DID.
ReplyHow is anyone going to understand you if you lie all the time?
ReplyYou could have been so traumatised and tore into for your personality by the people who were meant to care for you that you saw no other option but to alter your personality to survive.
Everyone lies, some more than others but ultimately the ability to lie is in most humans and the vast majority of them lie…even about the little things.
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