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normally i’d make an introduction when writing essays or stuff but right now i just feel like writing down my feelings as they come out. i’m so sick of myself, of everything and everyone. lowkey wish i would just die so everything can end. my grandma keeps making sacrifices in order to make ends meet and allow me to have an education. but im just so tired. i feel like i need to do her money’s worth and that’s why i work my ass off studying so i can get good grades and she won’t be let down. i’m on my last year of high school and mentally im just so exhausted. i don’t think i can keep doing this for god knows how many more years. i want to get into law school and become a lawyer so my grandma is doing her best so i can fulfill my dreams but that’s weighing on me a lot. i know she’s making so many sacrifices for somebody as useless as me. i hate it. i really do. what is so special about someone that makes you want to bet everything on them. i just don’t get it. i wish she’d start living her own life and worrying more about herself and her needs rather than on me. we’re struggling financially a lot but she still makes sure i have everything. i start college next year and i can’t even put into words how that makes me feel. studying is not the problem. i hate studying but i can do it nonstop for hours and even days if necessary. but the fact that my grandma will continue making sacrifices so i can have an education is whats unbearable for me. i cant even get a job so i can pay for my own stuff cause she won’t allow it and jobs in here pay a misery to young people. i wish everything would just end. i’m not pretty. i’m not smart. i’m not skinny. i lack on so many aspects i just cant stand myself. i don’t want to be mediocre but i also don’t want to continue stressing endlessly my entire life. i stopped going to therapy over a year ago bcs of the same reason. money. i didn’t want to make my grandma pay something as useless as that when i knew i wasn’t getting any better. ive been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, anorexia, ocd and god knows how many more mental illnesses. i cant think of a day where i haven’t thought about ending it all. but again. if i killed myself it would be a waste of my grandma’s sacrifices for me all these years. does it ever get any better… im so tired. i cant even allow her to take me out for a meal cause it makes me incredibly sad to see her spending money on me. i wish she could enjoy her life since she spent so many years working her ass off for her ungrateful kids. i don’t want to be as mediocre as my mom. i absolutely refuse to continue leaving on poverty but i also don’t see a way out of anything
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It does get better. I mean there's always going to be highs and lows in life but every cloud has a silver lining.
Your grandma sounds like she loves you a lot and has a lot of belief if you. I know studying is a struggle but think of the end goal of becoming a lawyer in a well paid job. Hopefully your grandma will he proudly sitting there at your graduation and when you get your first pay check when your employed then you can treat her to a lovely meal yourself x
Replyhi anon user, perhaps maybe try talking it out with your grandma? tell her that you're really grateful for the financial support your grandma can give you, but if she wouldn't allow you to work for extra savings, then it might hurt and cause suffering to you both also. If she argues that you will lose focus on your studies then you can reassure her that the main reason you're working is to finish that degree, and if she argues that it will distract you from fully studying -- you can argue back that either way, you'll still be stressed by the fact that you are financially burdened, but at least you can earn extra to help yourself succeed in life.
i do agree that life, especially nowadays seems bleak and i myself have been and am currently thinking the similar thing. if all else fails, it's not your fault. there is always a way to get back up.
you mentioned that you are only starting for college, is there anyway you can avail scholarships so it can alleviate at least some of the fees needed for the semester?
maybe try applying as an intern to a company for a position that's related to your chosen course?
unfortunately, my friend, poverty is our reality, and it does suck. a LOT. but what I can only tell you is that, it doesn't have to be that way forever. there will be better days, and you will learn to live with uncertainty. have courage, have faith in your dreams, and may you become the lawyer that you aspire to be.
take it easy,
love,
a fellow anon user who's also lost in life lel
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