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I try to convince myself that I like it so I don't have to call it rape
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ReplyIt can be so difficult to make sense of these vulnerable intimate experiences - invasions of our bodies and sudden distortions of everything we knew as our minds and bodies grapple to make sense of and respond to the urgent situation of What Is Happening To Me Right Now?
Whether it's a story that you choose to construct about the experience, or an admission of some amount of truth - if your body responded in a way that your mind didn't, or there was a moment before things got out of control where you thought it was going well, and you wish you'd had that enjoyable experience instead... or if you're in an ongoing situation where compliance seems like your safest option... you can only do whatever seems like the thing to do to survive.
If trying to convince yourself that you like it is a strategy that makes sense to you while you're processing all of this - that is completely OK.
Please don't put any blame on yourself for how you narrate and interpret the sum total of your experience, or how that narrative may change over time, with distance, and overlaid with new experiences and understanding. Your feelings are real and valid, and your story is your own.
You don't have to lie to yourself, or anyone else. You don't have to tell the full truth to yourself, or anyone else, if it's too difficult for you. Your story is your own, and I hope you will be able to make a kind of sense of it that will bring you peace - but most of all, I hope that you will be able to get to safety, and not have to experience anything that part of you would describe as rape.
You used the present tense. I hope that you will be able to reach a future where this experience is only in the past. I hope that you will be able to feel less conflicted with yourself.
Options for help available in the UK: https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/it-happened-recently/
In the USA: https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and I wish you peace, safety, and recovery.
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