I failed yet again

The only thing I ever wanted was to become a doctor. So in 2017 after passing junior high I got enrolled in a prestigious coaching institute that would clump my high school with my prep. The coaching got me enrolled in a new school where I had to go for 3 out of 7 days a week . Initial days were good but slowly I started the negative cycle of comparison and it all started going down the drain. I started neglecting my studies to an extent that by the end of 1st year of high school I had no idea what was even included in the syllabus. I cried, tried to come back on track but to no vain. I still have no idea how I passed my high school. We have to give a medical entrance exam comprising of physics, chemistry and biology after high school to be eligible for studying medicine. I gave the exam in 2019 and scored around 250 out of 720. I was devastated although I expected it. I was some1 who has always been on top of everything I did. So i was super guilty for not even trying. I decided to drop a year without any coaching to study and get through it. Initially all was well but soon I started overthinking how everyone's moved ahead except for me. I sat on my study table with books open but lost in a different world. Even at this point I didn't even know the names of all ch in physics. I did study a bit of biology and in a blink 10 months passed and my exams came. A lot of people got into their dream college, my cousins got married, some went on a trip and all of them were enjoying. Honestly i envied them so much. With not much prep I gave the exam in 2020 and scored around 350. I remember I cried so hard for wasting my time and not studying. Somehow with support of my parents I started preparing again promising myself that I would really study this time and stop feeling lika a failure. I self isolated myself and started studying but soon the same pattern happened again n exams came with me not prepared at all. At this point I don't even know how many times I had cried and lied to my parents. All my batchmates at this point were in college and I was at home. I stopped going to gatherings as i felt ashamed and guilty. I gave 2021 exam as well and to no surprise score 423 Marks. I lied to my parents that I had test anxiety and it made me go blank in test so that I won't break their trust in me. But in reality I still hadn't studied the syllabus for even once. At this point I stopped talking to all my friends. I missed them so much but I felt so inferior that i somehow wanted to avoid them.

At this point I started researching about self sabotage and realised this is what i was doing to myself. I tried to stop and convinced my parents to give me a last chance. My parents especially my father has given his entire life for my future and I really really wanted to make him proud. I swear I really wanted to. So I had like 7 months for final shot but yet again I wasted it in sleeping, overthinking, crying all night (I don't like sharing my problems with others I feel ashamed doing so therefore I never told anyone about what I was going through). Today I came back for exam and I am scoring around 430 . I am ashamed for wasting my parents money, time and energy. I am ashamed for ruining my life with my own hands. I am ashamed of being alive. If there is any god then I hate him for giving me such a pathetic mind and problem to my parents. I am sorry my dear father I really am if i had the courage then I would have killed myself. I am sorry mom for never helping u in anything saying I had to study. I am sorry my dear self for being such a self sabotaging person who ruined 4 golden chances. I don't deserve anything or even being alive. I am 22 now with just failure. People in my country get into med school at 17-21 . that' the average age. N here I am with nothing but misery. Help me someone. Please.