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I know my mental health is getting worse, beyond what I can control. The good habits I’d built up are disintegrating, and nothing is ok anymore. I have no motivation, because nothing is satisfying. My room is an absolute mess, my physical health is declining, I’ve given up applying for jobs because I don’t think I’m hireable in this state (I didn’t get any responses when I was doing better and really trying, anyway).
I’ve been through this before, I know the drill. I’m not a suicide risk right now, but basically I’m just…falling downhill with no reason to stop.
I know that going back on citalopram may help me. I also know that it makes me fuckin annoying. It triggers mania, so everyone I interact with basically thinks I’m high. It also makes me dehydrated & more prone to heatstroke (I’ve already had heatstroke really bad this year, without even being on meds. It knocked me out for 2 days). Plus, it means that when I do go out to festivals or whatever, I can’t drink alcohol or do any of the stuff other people are doing. I already feel isolated at social events, I don’t want to be the only sober one too!
Also, going the legal, ‘safe’ route, I can’t rely on having a steady supply. Last time I was on it, I missed a phone call, wasn’t able to return the call (doctor wasn’t working the days I was available) and my doctor ultimately didn’t renew my prescription. I literally just ran out, and had to quit cold-turkey. Withdrawal symptoms were…not great. Constant sensory overload, it felt like anything I touched was scraping my skin like a knife on burnt toast. Really bad nightmares. Maybe some hallucinations, I don’t really know, I had no one else around to ask.
Another thing is, I don’t want my current doctor to know that I’m getting bad again. We just sent off my application to a GIC*, and on the application it said that I’m not currently suffering from mental illness, not taking medicines, not getting other mental health care e.g. therapy. I don’t want that to change.
I don’t want it on record that I’m mentally unwell. I don’t want it to impact my future - it could stop me from having access to certain medicines and healthcare, being able to transition, being able to adopt if I ever decide to…I’ve managed to not have it marked on my record so far, treated last time as a one-off, but next time I’m not gonna be so lucky. Being unwell doesn’t make me a bad person, even at my worst I’m still kinder and more responsible than the vast majority of parents. I’m not unpredictably dangerous or anything, so it shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. If the true extent of my illnesses get put on my record forever, it could make me seen as a lesser person, untrustworthy, someone incapable of making their own decisions.
There’s maybe another option, but I’m kind of scared of it. I have a sort-of friend who has access to, uh, medicines. I could potentially buy my medication from him (maybe hormones too)…but what if something happens to him? A criminal record has gotta be worse than a mental illness history. I haven’t bought before, that’s not really my lifestyle. Maybe I could try and figure out deepweb stuff myself, but that’s a whole mess…he’s better at it than I am, but I don’t want to risk both of us. I’m not particularly worried about dosage etc, I know what I’m doing with that, but it’s just the legal side that’s stopping me. That, and the fact that I don’t have much money (self perpetuating cycle - no money because no job because mental illness-).
Are there any other options? It feels like I’m fucked either way. Getting trans healthcare is the most important thing, I can’t do too surgery by myself, but I have to make sure I’m still alive and -healthy enough- in 7+ years for that to happen.
*Gender Identity Clinic. I’m trans. That’s nothing to do with mental illness, it’s just who I am. However, not everyone sees it that way. The waiting list for even a first consultation is 5-7 years. They could reject my application and I’d have to start over again, another 5-7 years, or I’d have to try and go private, fight to prove that I’m deserving of trans healthcare, and pay £10,000.
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Tidy and clean your room and put your things in order because when you do that you will feel better and be able to think more clearly. Then write a list of your good habits and put it where you can see it so that you will continue with all of these good habits. If you need to see a doctor over your physical health you must do so so write a note to do this otherwise eat properly, drink plenty of water, and do some sort of exercises , even walking helps.
I have never heard of citalopram but it is medication and if it doesn't suit you talk to your doctor about taking medicine that does suit. Perhaps something that your doctor can give you repeat prescriptions for.
As for trying to get a job: how can you with the attitude that you don't think you're hireable! No wonder you aren't getting replies! Change your attitude to thinking that you will get a job because you are hireable.
I don't know what CIG is. Keeping yourself physically healthy for the next seven years shouldn't be too hard and as for your mental health discuss this with your doctor or a counselor. Sorry I can't help further and I do wish you all the best.
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