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Dear E
Lord only knows the last time we talked was horrible. I didn’t end our 3 year friend ship in the most healthiest, or fairest way to you. I knew that from the start but the closer the date gets to school starting and possibly seeing you, I realize that more than ever now. But the only thing holding all my regrets back are the memories of you. How I always felt poor compared to you. How you were so mean to others and brushed it off as having anger issues and that they “deserved it”. How id come over to your house and forget to take the expensive pool speaker out of the water and into the shade, and your mom yelled at you for leaving it there and you blamed me even though I didn’t know any better. Or the other time your mom yelled at you for using her new cups, steal neatly sealed in the packaging, on me and I felt horrible about it and all you did was talk about how it was fine and she was overreacting (which she kind of was but you didn’t do anything to reassure my feelings). And now I sit here knowing that this letter will never be able to truly explain how I felt.
I think about how when we were friends, it felt more like a toxic relationship than anything else. I never really had problems in my daily life, and if I did I didn’t find them relevant in the spew of drama happening in yours. It was always up to my mom to take the 15 minute drive to your house to drop me off every god damn weekend. I realized too late that I didn’t talk to any of my other friends. I had cut them off for you. You were the only constant in my life, and I hated it. You gave me some of the worst anxiety I’ve ever had. You started to treat me like a younger sibling than a best friend. I got tired of it. I got tired of the every day 24/7 calls we had, realizing I wanted to be doing anything else but that. This isn’t fair to you , I know. Your life wasn’t perfect, but you also took it for granted. You held so much anger in your heart, and quarantine made me realize that I was not worth less than you. And I missed my friends and family. So reflecting back on what I can remember about our friendship, since it’s been almost 2 years since the “breakup” now, I want to say thank you, and that I’m sorry. Thank you for making me realize that what we had wasn’t healthy. And I’m so sorry that it wasn’t. The day I felt the worst, was the day that I felt like I was pretending. I felt like you didn’t get me. I felt like I couldn’t explain, or make you mad. Because no matters who’s fault it truly wasn’t, I always had to apologize. Even now I do it. Sad, isn’t it? If you punch me when you see me next I think I’ll understand. I never gave you an explanation as to why I left. So maybe after that punch , I’ll hit you back, just as hard.
Sincerely,
Me
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