Hurts.

I’m tired, yet I can’t sleep. Thinking of all the past memories that still make me feel some type of way. 2 years back I wanted to live a life that was 5 years back from then. But now I want to live a life that I lived 2 years back. He gave me the happiness that I thought I’d never get in my life after my dad’s death. He gave me infinity of love and happiness. But now? He feels distant. He says a million reasons but my heart doesn’t take one. I know people change. But I didn’t know that it would have this kind of impact on me. My soul is being broken by the one who once mended them. The one who loved me and made me believe in love again. Who made me believe in true friendship again. I don’t know if he still does love me. He says he does, but I don’t feel it anymore. I love him more than I do myself. I guess that’s what I’m doing wrong. Maybe if I gave more importance to me than him, maybe then I’ll know that my happiness can only be determined by me and not others. But I still don’t know how to love me or even how to stop loving him more. I’m just an idiot who gives importance and to care to people who don’t give importance to me as much I do. It hurts. Really. It hurts so much that my heart doesn’t seem to take it anymore. I want it to stop. I want to stop my heart from hurting. But I can’t seem to know how. The worst thing is that he doesn’t even realize that he’s doing this to me. He still believes that he is normal when he is not. He still says that I’m important when he really doesn’t treat me like I am. He still says that he cares about be when I don’t feel like he cares. After all, why would I feel lonely and hurt if he does care about me. I don’t know how to deal with this since I’ve never been attached to anyone like this in a very long time. I just want to go back to us being normal. But friendship has two sides and it can’t be kept strong with the efforts of only one person. It hurts that I’m the only one who cares. It hurts that he doesn’t even realise that he is hurting me. It hurts that he thinks I’m over reacting. It hurts that I don’t even have anyone to talk about the pain I’m going through. It hurts that I still can seem to let go. It hurts that I still wait for his message. It hurts that I still reply within seconds. It hurts that I don’t even know if my feelings are valid. It hurts that I don’t even know if I have the rights to be hurt. It hurts to be alive. It hurts… to be hurt. A million question live within me unanswered. Will I ever get to be happy again? Will we ever go back to how we were? Will he love me the same as he used to? Will we be the best of friends like we promised? Will I ever feel the warmth in him like I used to? I love you. And I miss you... so damn hard.