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"The instructor said, Go home and write, a page tonight, And let that page come out of you – Then, it will be true."
I’m just gonna let everything out
This will be a rant for those who want to know of me
I was born July 18, 2007
I am a African American women
I am one of the top in my class, and it is something I treasure
Though its only to please my parents
I can’t make C’s or B’s because
“Back in the day it was harder to get B’s and A’s now everything is easier
And it makes you all soft”
I am the highest of my class because of them
In my future I can see me joining clubs I have no real interest in for the sake of ¨it looks good on your record¨
Anything less is enough to be called lazy, stupid ,and ungrateful for all they have done for me
I am not allowed to have an opinion of my own because of my age and I'm “ just a kid”
They say as I play parent to my younger brother
Me having emotions is enough to be called dramatic and sensitive
Though I’ve been called these things all my life it makes me break every time
I freak out in public because of the never ending feeling of people looking at me but i want to be acknowledged
I have friends that try to take me out but
I think they secretly hate me
They haven’t given me a reason to
I just think they do
So I don't leave the house unless I have to
I talk to those who want to talk to me
Most of them talk to me when they want
Something
Answers most likelyThe kids at school constantly whisper about me for existing
Im weird
Im a bigger girl
And I don’t have the best looks
So that’s enough of a reason to give me a hard time
But when it comes to homework or group projects everyone wants me to help
Any other time they couldn’t care less
I'm shy but I wasn’t always shy
I was a social butterfly in kindergarten to about 3rd grade
But since then i’ve been called annoying so I stopped
Because I don't want to seem annoying to anyone I don’t want anyone to think of me negatively
Most things I used to do I stopped because of what people said
Mostly parents or the adults of my life
Growing up I was constantly told I talk to much or I was too clingy but now
They´re victims of my changing
Of how I don't want to be around them or just dont talk how I used too
It’s always “you used to love being around us”
And “what happened to you”
As if they didn’t constantly criticize everything a 5-8 year old did
My parents are hard on me and I don’t know why
I don't know
If it’s because i'm the oldest and they expect more from me or
If it’s because I wasn’t planned and I took away the years ment for them to have fun being young
Either way I have to be successful, not for my future but because
My parents want me to be the one to take care of them when their old
And I will be successful just out of spite
The spite of them thinking I will return the favor
And that ¨favor¨ being that constant nagging for me to do better
To be better
Because ¨That'll be the real reason you get anywhere¨
I plan to do as they wish until big bright 18 where I will leave
Leave everything behind
My family
My trauma caused by them and the pain I inflicted on me
The pain I inflicted on myself so that I could see how they felt constantly kicking me down
Or just feeling like I deserved to feel pain
Oh and my siblings the only people that might be missed
Not the memorious because I can’t remember a lot of my childhood
Only the worries of wanting them to be proud remains
That weird consuming feeling of ¨they only want better for me¨
Right where the the faded memories of me being a happy child were supposed to be
I will always give them a chance to fix things even if they don't see anything wrong
So I´ll give them til i´m 18 them i´ll move it up to 20
Then 21
Then 25
29
32
35
38
40
All the way up until they die and i´d innevonabilie feel the guilt for not making it right with them
I know some of you might know the stories
You know the stories most oldest daughters share
Of the oldest daughter being the real one incharge in the household
Being given adult responsibilities
Being constantly criticized by the ones actually supposed to be in charge
But will always
Watch siblings,
Cook,
Clean
only to be told to do more
And my life is just that
My B’s aren't enough to satisfy them because of grades I made when I was in second grade
Where we were only learning about numbers
and how to add and subtract them
How to read and write to justify how hard they are on me
“ We’ve seen you make all A’s before so I know you can”
So I will keep this up so I can be able to leave
I have straight A’s working to get what I need to get out
Where hearing the nagging and ridicule is optional
All my mother has ever told me was how the world was a bad place
That the world was unfair
The world is a hard and cruel place
That will only get harder
And that is what I expect from this world
For when I think i´m all good something will happen to kick be down a few
And nothing less
Art has become a way of letting it out
Though my parents don't like the type of music I listen to
The love songs ¨Because of how my generation is so obsessed with the thought of love, though we can’t love ourselves¨
The song made by people to get emotions off their chest
¨Because their so depressing and sad, and I like to mellow in those type of things¨
The song I want to be able to write but the lyrics leave me when the time comes to sing
I want to sing of hurt
I want to sing of love
To sing because it makes me happy like every artist does
To sing with a passion
With a mix of all my emotions
I will share this with people but
That is I don't get scared and chicken out because of how personal this is
But we over share already so this wouldn't be anything different
It's no different from talking to someone who doesn't know my name
Age
Gender
Nor race
Only preferred pronouns given to make us both feel more comfortable
But they were ok with letting me get things off my chest
Though my mother disapproves of online friends
Those texts turned into calls
Calls with one of us crying and wanting comfort from the other
Building a genuine friendship with someone
Who´s face you´ve never seen
We both were completely fine with only knowing what each other sounded like
Of course I was skeptical, I'm always skeptical
But they did seem like someone who was hurting and felt they couldn't talk to someone they know
Like I said this still could have been a predator but they´ve never said anything to make me think so
But the thought was always and still is in my brain
What if they were and why they stopped replying was because they were caught
Or
Did they think the same of me
And got scared
Scared like how I was of them
Like I said my mother hates my music
She said she hates how obsessed with love I am
¨Even though all the relationships I have been around always ended in constant arguments and them seeming as they hate each other¨
And that's the reason I want to experience love for myself
I don't want what they had
I want to meet someone who loves me
Or atleast acts as if they do
I don't want the same bad luck they've had with relationships
The love that will have me scared to love again
Though I am scared that I just might end up like them
But that's all apart of the ride
The ride of love This part is for my parents well mostly my mother
As I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he imbedded anger into my soul but my mother
She is beyond trying to be a better me and not letting the anger settle
She is beyond a simple teenage “I hate you”
She is cutting off all my family so she wont have a way to find me when I am 18
She is lashing out at people you know won’t say or do anything about it
She
Is
The core of my rage and hatred
And it is my goal to only hate her
As she is the one to claim she tries to understand and help me as she ignores and belittles me when I tell her things are wrong
She is telling me for years to take up a sport and once I do be mad about how much money it takes up and how much time I spend on it as if she didn’t know
She is not wanting me to get a job because she knows I won’t need to count on her once I start one as I already cook, clean, and take care of myself, my sister, brother and youngest cousin
She is gaslighting me when I tell her something I don’t like that she does as she breaks down, change words I have spoken to make me sound stupip for even bringing it up
She does all of this while telling family members how annoying and how much trouble I am but telling therapist she does all she can for me to talk to her
This is not for you to feel sorry
This is my bite on reality
Though
I've barely lived
Trust me one thing I hate is when i'm pitied
It makes me feel weak and if i´ve learned one thing from my father
It would be accepting pity is accepting your weak
And I will not be remembered as weak
I will be remembered for me
Someone who did their best
Who tried their hardest in everything they did
And weak will not be apart of that
I would love to be an artist
I want to write and perform my music on a stage
Go to a photographer for my new album cover or
I could paint it myself
But “that’s not realistic enough that could never happen”
So my realistic dream job is a forensic scientist
I thought it would be cool to be able ro figure out how and when this person was attacked and what the weapon is
Something that would be a good job in the long run
I will be an artist though
I am going to be on billboards as the new top artist
Free from them and able to sing, draw, and dance as I please
Knowing there are people who love when I do those things as much I as I love doing them
I will have my art posted and known by everyone
Leaving and loving
Being alone and away
Being free to love and be loved
To know I am sensitive and embrace it because it's apart of me
I will be free
Free from the negative thoughts of myself drilled in by the people that claimed they loved me
I would love to experience joy as I hope I have grown my higher self
If you didn't know this was supposed to be class work
A simple 100 if you tried
All this was supposed to be was telling the audience somethings about you
Now we´re here
I don't know where here is
If i'm truly happy now
If I have found the love of my life yet
Nor if my parents or myself are satisfied with me yet
But I am here
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You're an awesome writer!! :D
ReplyThank you<3
ReplySorry for the spelling errors all this was written in tears and a mist of emotions so somethings are spelled wrong or the wrong word was used.
Reply