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I lied about not being a virgin a year ago and im afraid of it getting out
1 year ago · 1 · Lies, +5 · Explicit
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I (20F) started a new school a year ago after being miserable in high school and having no social, love and sex life. Literally didnt even say a single word or do a singe thing with people in or after school for three years. Not exaggerating. I was probably depressed and suffering from social anxiety, also have wondered if i may be autistic but i dont know and i dont want to self diagnose. But since starting the new school (only a year long) last year I've been happier, more confident and more social and I’m starting uni in a few weeks. Heres the problem. All of my new friends at the school were older than me (20-23) and talked a lot about sex from the start. Me being insecure about still being a virgin at 19 played along. Although i didn’t directly lie i heavily insinuated I’d had sex. And then because ive always dreamed about being able to date and get into a relationship and have sex (or just casual things, any experience really) not even having had my first kiss yet i (stupidly) downloaded tinder. I went on a date or two with people over a beer, didnt really click and never saw them again. And then i met a girl a year older than me, lets call her H (F20) whom i really liked. On our second date we went to her place and afterwards she told me she thought it would just be a hookup. We didnt hook up and it took us like seven dates to even kiss which we only ever did twice (that time, and when she dumped me). I didnt tell her about my inexperience. I told my friends we were just taking it slow and they were supportive but told me she had a lot of red flags which i ignored. We saw each other for about two months and I really wanted to initiate something but wasn’t sure how to. She never tried to initiate anything probably because i kind of freaked out when we kissed. I didnt tell her i had never kissed anyone before, just that things like that made me nervous. She talked a lot about future plans months and even years into the future, like travelling together and getting married. She was really sweet and caring and called me pet names and so on. I over text joked about “my crush on her” when i was drunk and i think she responded by laughing and with a heart. The next day she ended things over text saying she just wanted to be friends. The next day we met up and she said it was because she needed to be more comfortable being single and because i put pressure on her by developing feelings which was unfair to her because she only ever wanted a hookup. I was devastated for months (like longer than we actually saw each other) but the thing about being single made sense to me until my friend told me it was a common excuse. I never really understand things like that until afterwards. Now H is dating one of my friends friends whom i have never met. (Dont know if they still are, this is about 1,5 - 2 months ago) My friend knew a pretty personal anecdote about H and im afraid that H has been talking about me to my friends friend whom she is seeing. I dont even know if i mattered enough to her to talk about to the new girl she is seeing. But eventually (when she ended things) she found out i was a virgin. I probably should have told her that from the start so it wouldn't have become such a big thing. I also dont really believe in virginity like that, its more of an issue because i struggle with intimacy and i feel like it would be totally obvious if i were to start having sex with someone without telling them its my first time. My friends dont know im a virgin and after lying about it for a year i really cant tell them without them probably hating me. They are all older than me and pretty experienced. They are also my only friends and 100% the reason im not depressed anymore, I cant afford to loose them. I’ve tried to continue dating people but im afraid of getting dumped after having sex. From how i hear people talk about dating thats what you do. Pretend to make further plans when you only ever wanted the sex. I don’t expect people to be my boyfriend or girlfriend after two- three dates and i also dont want to decide thats what we are going to become from the start. I just feel like this is a burden to bear. I want to date and i have tried going on a few dates but we havent really clicked. My friends say i have to meet people in real life and not tinder but i dont think i have the social skills or looks for that. I just want to feel comfortable and respected before i have sex with someone but i feel like im being to needy. Also my secret might be getting out and my life will be ruined. Every time i get a snapchat from my friend whos friend is dating H my heart begins to race and i get super anxious. My friend whos friend is dating my “ex” doesn’t really hang out with my other friends but they know about each other and have met etc etc but mostly through me. This is also a friend from school but from a different class but they never really hung out. I really don’t know how to end all this. What if my friend finds out? What if she decides to tell my friend group? What are the chances of that even happening?
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