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Hey,
It’s been a while since we last talked. My two best friends are going to college. I’m so proud of them. They have gone through so much, battling suicide and depression, a hard family life, and loss of loved ones. They are so strong. One has already left for college and the other leaves tomorrow. I won’t see them for a long time. I already miss the times that we were together, the safety I felt around them both. But they are gone. They left me. I still have one last year of high school to go. I don’t know if I can do it. School is supposed to start in two days and I already want it to end. Just the thought of coming to the first day of school and realizing they both won’t be there is scary. I barely survived sophomore year. Covid hit hard and I isolated myself from everyone. My old friend group left me. I never talked to anyone and they thought I was ignoring them. At first I tried to get them to stay, but as I grew deeper into my hole of isolation I gave up. To be honest I thought about self harm a lot. It was always there in my mind no matter what I was doing. I was a straight A-B student. But along with the isolation a feeling of emptiness took over. I start failing my classes and I dropped out of one. My parents were beyond mad and started yelling at me more. I wasn’t there perfect little girl anymore. But they couldn’t see what was happening and were blinded by the anger. They failed to see me. I was suffering with severe social anxiety. I couldn’t even leave the house without thinking about how people were gonna hate me because of something I said, or how I looked. It was exhausting and I wanted to give up.
See, this was the past. My social anxiety has become much better and my confidence has risen. But that’s all thanks to my two best friends. They saved me. Made me feel safe around others, and they won’t leave my side. But it’s all gonna go away cause now they are off to college. And where does that leave me? I’m already having manic episodes. Self harm seems like fun. And I’m crying my self to sleep. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get through senior year, I’m loosing and it hasn’t even started yet. Wish me luck. My mom wants me to do culinary. While my dad just doesn’t want his daughter to stay a disappointment which I have already claimed the title too. I love my manic states. They allow me to cry as much as I want, get angry, and be happy. All while I’m in my room alone. I loved to paint but have been too mind blocked. My states make me feel so inspired to paint so I do. It makes me feel better. But if anyone in my family saw them I would be called a satanist. They bring me peace. Anyways this is just a random letter, and you are just a random person reading it. I hope you are doing better then me and can find sources of peace in your life. I’ve never told my friends about this part of me. And I never will, but it will be hard without them. I’ll miss them forever. ⏳⌛️
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I hope you find peace. I get your anxiety. I’m the same way. I had to find the people that I could tolerate but it’s so hard
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