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I’m married for 5 years now. Like any other marriage, it has problems. Lots of it. My husband, he mentally abused me. In front of everyone else, he’s perfect. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am to have him. But with me, I feel like I’m being treated like a trash. I never feel appreciated, I feel like everything that I do was always wrong. There were times when I forgot to lock our bedroom door, he saw it through the cctv and went crazy and saying things like I never do anything right and stuffs like that. There were also times when I told him that I too feel depressed (his sister has a depression and he was so kind to her) and he said stuff like I’m a piece of trash. Once he even said that I’m not a good mother or I’m an evil. It ruined me. It has been years that I can’t even look in the mirror and feel confident about myself. If i remember how i was and things that i achieved before i met him, it hurts. I lose my confidence and I lose myself. I feel like our relationship was so toxic. I never told anyone about this, because I’m afraid that it will hurt his image. But then I started to think about getting a divorce because I’m so sick of the way he treated me. The way he has this “perfect husband” image and how everyone adores him.
One day, a long time friend of mine came back. I knew him long before I met my husband. Back then, he was always so close to me. We were always platonic. One day, my husband was giving me insults. And i was chatting with this friend of mine. He was single and handsome, but i know for sure he likes someone else. And I started to confide in him. I don’t want to cheat on my husband. As much as I hate him at times, I don’t want to cheat on him.
But in matters of days that chat with my friend becomes more intense, we would video call everyday (it started with a 1 hour video call and becomes like minimum of 3 hours call, even 12 hours once). There were no flirting however. We try to keep it platonic. Yes we have deep talks about relationship and everything, but he was never bad mouthing my husband or anything. He told me that i should be loyal to him and everything. couple of days in, once or twice he would say that I’m pretty and everything. But i would reply like “yea, i know” and don’t really take it in. And he would also say that he misses that girl that he has a crush on or anything like that. And yes, I notice sometimes I feel there are butterflies there, but I always try to push it away and never feed on that lustful feel because I don’t want to betray anyone. Now, my husband found out that i had been in contact with him in secrets. I hid it from my husband because well, he hates that man from the start (the first time we reunited, the both of us talked for an hour straight in my house in the middle of the night and hubby wasn’t liking the fact that we are so close) he said that I cheated on him. I feel guilty about what i’ve done, but i don’t feel too guilty about that because I don’t think that I’ve crossed any boundaries. Yes I do sometimes feel butterflies there, but I never feed on it. Everytime i feel butterflies, I come to my husband and I tried to treat him better. Hubby now has trust issues on me, but I also feel fine about that, because I guess I know that is the consequences of my action. He too understand that I talked to another person about our marriage because I’ve had enough and has no one to turns to (because this man actually has no connection to our circle that’s why it’s so easy for me to vent on him). He realized that part of it is his fault. He didn’t realize that his words would ruined me like that. And he’s willing to change. But right now, I feel like that he puts the blame too much on me. He would asked me about what we used to talked about over and over. He would imagine things waaayy outside of the reality. I tried to be calm and understanding about that. We’re trying to work on our marriage.
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