What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I'm from Pakistan. My family is controlling. I was born and raised in the US but never allowed to make friends, have extracurricular activities, or even join sports. I grew up going to religious schools and as a child, I was conditioned to be obedient. In between growing up, I spent 7 years in Pakistan in the village areas to become "less westernized". Then due to some issues, my mom went against my dad and forcefully made us go back to the US and live with my dad against his will. I started high school in the US and after graduating, it was COVID and my dad didn't want me to go to college in the US. Due to COVID he couldn't send me to Pakistan because the flights were closed (I'm a 2020 HS graduate). So I enrolled in a community college and applied for FAFSA to help me (I wasn't allowed to have a job and my dad's a taxi driver at night and sleeps during the day, he wastes his money on cigarettes because he's a chain smoker and my mom is a housewife). Concentrating on online studies was hard because my parents always fight and never share the room ever since I remember, my mom would insult my dad, my dad would get angry and beat her up, she'd scream. Due to financial issues, we had to change cities and we started living in a basement that wasn't fully constructed yet. I was also allowed to get a part-time job (My first experience outside of school). I wasn't allowed to get extra shifts but I enjoyed working so much that I didn't wanna go home and I loved the days I'd work. I worked for 6 months until bad news happened: Flights were open again. I always told my dad that I don't wanna study in Pakistan and I wanna stay in the US, but he said that Pakistani colleges are cheap and I won't have to deal with student loans, and that he'll pay for me. He also said that my siblings are growing up and we spent too much time in the US (We spent 5 years when we came).
I was 18 when we came back to Pakistan. My dad wanted me to get admission in a Medical College. I didn't want to. But thankfully, by the time we went, we had already missed the entry test deadlines. My dad made me take admission in another healthcare field instead.
But as soon as I got admission, in my first month of college, when it was the night of January 1, my dad locked me in a room alone with him, and he told me that tomorrow morning my aunt (his sister) is coming and I'm getting engaged to my cousin. That she already bought the rings and clothes/shoes for me and she also bought the bus tickets. I was surprised because I was secretly in a relationship with an Indian Hindu guy I've known online for years (I'm not allowed to use social media so I never told my dad).
But I wasn't that surprised because before I was even born, my aunt made the decision that if my dad has a daughter, she will marry her son. Ever since I was a kid, the brainwashing was done to me that I am his. So I told myself that it's better to marry someone in real life my dad picked for me and avoid trouble rather than reacting and choosing some online person because it's not wise. That's what I thought was best, so within that minute, I said ok I don't have a problem with that. Then my dad started crying and kissed me a lot on my forehead, which never happened before because that's the first time my dad kissed me and he still never hugged me before.
I'm 100% fluent in my native languages and English has never been allowed at home. I always felt Pakistani even when living in the US and it was weird to think that I'm American because I had 0 social life and never even went to something as simple as the store with some friends before. That's why I enjoyed grocery shopping on Saturdays with my family.
Anyways. I have a sister who has a learning disability. But she has common sense and she is not mentally retarded. She can do things like eating and bathing but my mom does everything for her and she's 15. My mom even gives water to her in her mouth. My dad never makes her do chores or homework and now they even dropped her out of school. My relatives keep telling my parents that they're purposely making my sister dependent on them, and I tell this to my parents too and I just get so angry seeing her on her iPad 24/7, but my dad always gets angry at me when I tell him this and he says "Am I your dad or are you my dad?? I know what's best for her because I'm her father".
This happened today again. I used to be very emotionally close to my dad because he never hits me, he is usually calm but also has anger issues, and he treats me nice and always buys me chocolates, bought me toys, gifts, clothes etc (Clothes never of my choice though, my parents still control what I should wear and they buy clothes for me when I'm not even aware).
I used to be grateful but now I am not. I realized that my mom always heats frozen food and she is also neglectful emotionally and she's verbally abusive because she has accused me of being the reason my dad divorced her and a lot of other things.
I used to be close to my dad and think good of him because he wants me to get good education, he always spends on me, and he's not one of those dads who hits/rape their daughters or sell them into child marriage.
But yesterday I realized that my dad is controlling. I feel upset right now because I will turn 20 after a few days and I feel like I wasted my childhood not having any school memories because I'm always quiet. I wasted my entire life not having any social experiences or do what I want to do. My parents have done everything for me but never according to my desires. I don't know if I sound like a brat right now.
I also had a lot of self-harm issues in the past when I was suicidal and depressed but I never told anyone. I was feeling the same again yesterday and I asked my little brother if I can sit next to him, because I want to physically be near someone, he said no. But I was desperate and sat on his bed next to him. He was on his phone and I told him that I won't bother him and I'll just be on my laptop. He started yelling and told me to get lost. He said I don't purposely annoy him but he feels annoyed when I sit next to him. Then he went to another room.
He's almost 13 in a few days as well (We share the same birthday) and siblings are supposed to be this way I guess. But I felt depressed so I fell asleep at 6:30pm and now woke up early in the morning/midnight (Depends on what you consider 3am - 4am but I call it morning).
I have been daydreaming about running away. Imagine if I get my passport and buy a plane ticket. I move back to the US and stay in a homeless shelter or beg until I find a job and support myself financially. Then I can start out with an associates in nursing and start building my way up. Change my name and get a new haircut as well, and dress how I want. Join sports. Make friends and for the first time engage in friends events.
But at the same time I know it's not that easy because running away usually fails, what if I don't get into the homeless shelter or get raped/trafficked? But those are only exceptions and they don't usually happen right?
If I settle to live alone, I'll miss my family anyways. Then I'll cry and feel guilty for leaving my dad and I'll feel even more miserable than how I already am.
That's why I don't think I'll run away.
But I just feel hopeless in life. I'm gonna marry within a year I guess, because my fiance is over a decade older than me and he doesn't wanna wait any longer.
I feel like I wasted my life already. I'm gonna turn 20 and I have just been living by false hope. I feel like it's my fault for not standing up for myself and I'm just not taking responsibility. But then I tell myself that I shouldn't blame myself for what happened to me before the age of 18.
My dad doesn't want me to be financially independent and move out, he said that's what he fears because Americans do it and it's not a part of our culture, another reason we moved to Pakistan.
I just feel like I'm gonna be a housewife who has crying kids to take care of and spend my life doing chores.
Sometimes I just want a car to hit me so that I die. But I don't want to go to hell because I have been sinning a lot as well and I know I'll never see heaven.
I don't know...I'm just thankful for social media especially facebook because I grew up with social media and met amazing people -- managers, petroleum engineers, doctors, law enforcement officers, just so many smart people who discuss politics and a lot of heavy topics. They always inspired me to learn. Especially when they talk about growing up on the farm, traveling, going to this beach or that beach, even when I've never been there before.
I don't even remember the last time I hugged anyone. I made a new friend in the current college I go to but she moved away and I can't visit her.
I am thinking about being rebellious but my culture is such that if I do that, then I'll get serious physical consequences for it. So for my benefit, I just naturally stay quiet.
I am thankful for social media, youtube, Facebook, and Instagram, I am thankful for online friends and thankful that I am allowed to go to college and that I wasn't married as a child. I still love my parents because everything they do is right according to them in their culture, and they don't hit me and treat me well, and care for me, I guess my main problem isn't my parents, but the fact that I just feel so confused in life and the situation I'm in right now.
What I did do is that I'm still using FAFSA and my past work-earned money to pay for my fees , I am studying online from an American university (Psychology) and if my future husband allows me, I can do a masters in it. But these days I feel so mentally drained that I want to take physics instead, because I don't have the stamina to be a psychologist.
I want to start a job but I live near the Afghanistan border so the culture is conservative and there's not many job opportunities for men, forget about women because you'll rarely see them work and I don't have permission.
I wanna rebel because I feel ashamed of myself for being so lazy as an almost 20-year-old but I can't stop being obedient in certain things.
:(
What do you think I should do?
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
My Timed Entry
Life has been really hard this last year of my life, I really want to cut of multiple people most of the people I thought were nice but ended up showing ther...
-
just a high school girl choosing a course on college.
i'm in the point of my life where i had to decide what should i take on college. due to financial circumstances, i can only afford to enter a university near ou...
If your future husband ALLOWS you. Can you hear yourself? Are you a fucking doormat?
ReplyYou shouldn't have to be grateful because your father doesn't rape you. You need to leave these abusive people even if they are your family.
ReplyThanks, I think due to cultural differences they want me to be dependent and I wanna be independent...I feel like they don't have the intention to make me feel this way
ReplyYour father locked you in a room. That's technically kidnapping. He should be in jail.
ReplyHonestly you are capable to handle yourself in every aspect so i think you should go away from these people . They are some shitty assholes from my pov. If i was capable i would runaway from my situation too. But do whatever you feel comfortable in . Sending sm love to you
Reply