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Ever since I was young, my mother was always gone from home. She went home when I was asleep and left before I woke up, just to work. Of course, I appreciate her working for the family but is it really okay if your own child doesn't know who you are. I always knew families had mothers but I didn't know she was mine. People always get weirded out when I didn't know who she was when I was younger. She turned my life for the worst when she did some stupid things which caused us to starve and run away from people. When she left to leave for another country, I was young so she thought I would cry, but I didn't. I got used to her not being here in the first place. Many many years later, she would want to receive affection from me but wouldn't give any in return, always saying how other children talk everyday to their parents. She never initiate conversations though and she always spaces out when I try to talk. She always wants love but she doesn't put in the effort, the only time she talks a lot is if it's about herself. It is a one way relationship. I get incredibly tried especially whenever she tells me I should be grateful for all she's done, but I never felt it. Yes, it is true that she talks care of my necessities, but that's it. Of course, I am grateful for any amount of money she gives but she keeps wasting money on scams and she cries over it, not even listening to me that it is indeed scams. Whenever I try to help her out by giving her advice, she always chides me saying I don't know what I'm saying. I had to literally suffer in the summer for months with no electricity and ate barely any food to save for the next day while she stayed with her friends in their airconditioned houses, not even bothering to ask if I was okay. She wants me to give her the affection you see on television, "Mom, I love you, I'm so happy you gave birth to me", but I feel nothing and I'm scared that I don't. Not once did I search for her when I was younger and not once did she try to even connect with me. Is beating me up (she doesn't drink at all) over something small while grinning bonding? is that even something I should be grateful for? Whenever she comes to visit, I wished she didn't. I managed to survive for many many years without her and I'm scared that I won't cry at the funeral of this one person I should be grateful for.
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It is ok.
Yes, some parents have good intentions, but lack the understanding that their current actions are not helping.
I see it in my kids, where their mom left them. It took her a while to see what she left behind. And now she is trying to be a mom. However, when it actually comes down to taking care of them, she is "not so good".
She is trying to figure out her own demons. You can only live your life and one day, you will cry for her. In the meantime, nothing is prefect or ever will be. Find your strength and you will find the strength to cry for her.
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