What am I doing wrong in my relationships?

I have social anxiety and it scares the hell out of me to go out in public places where I have to be social. I also have depression and if I don't take my pills, my mind goes nuts.

Ever since I could remember I have had trouble with my relationships. Whether it be romantic relationships or even just friendships. I like to think that I would always go out of my way to help someone I consider a friend or even a potential friend. People who don't know me consider me a kind and friendly person. However I feel like once someone starts to know me, they keep their distance.

This is not a one or two time thing, this happens with everyone I try to get close with. As an example, I was working in China a couple of years ago and an old school friend contacted me and asked me how he would also be able to find a job abroad. I went above and beyond to help him, sending him all the contacts I had and giving as much advice as I possibly could. Referring him to work places etc. When he eventually came over I met up with him, and knowing what a shock it is to work and live in a country like China, I again went out of my way to show him around and teach him all the basics that I knew and learned over the past 3 years. Simple things like joining the gym, going out to buy groceries, how to go to the cinemas and find movies that are actually in English (Believe me these simple things can be difficult when it is in a completely different language where no one understands you). About a month later I contacted him and asked if he would like to go out and do something, maybe go watch a movie. He ignored me completely. A week later I asked if he just wants to go to Starbuck and just do basically anything. Again he ignored me. We haven't spoken since.

Stuff like this has happened for years and once I took notice I started making sure I don't do anything which they could possibly find offensive and just being a "decent human". A friend.

This has kept on happening no matter how I approach the situation and I now feel like I have closed off to the world. I no longer desire to make friends because I know I will be disappointed. When I get invited somewhere I don't go or I come up with excuses not to go. I just don't want that feeling anymore. I am very lonely though... Everyone needs someone. And I have no one.

I have been ok with this feeling for a couple of years now until a week ago. There was this girl in highschool I spoke to. We spoke everyday for a couple of years. She had a boyfriend yet we still had something. I would describe it as more than a friendship, but less than a relationship (Definitely not the dreaded "Friendzone" haha). She knew I had feelings for her, I made that clear. I knew she had feelings for me, but again, she had a boyfriend... Anyway we haven't spoken in a couple of years. A week ago she messaged me and we started talking for a short while before she invited me to go out and just grab a drink with her and her friend. I decided to go, just go out and have fun and catch up on the past few years. Long story short, we met up, we talked a bit and played a couple of rounds of pool, I gave her my number because I don't like Facebook messenger and I went home. I was happy, I didn't mess up, I acted normal, great night, I had fun... The following day I just messaged her and told her it was nice seeing her again and we should do something again some time, she replied yeah it was fun and we will. I understand people get busy with their own lives, everyone has their own things they need to do and everyone has their struggles. No one can always respond to a message instantly. Or maybe they just have a bad day and don't want to talk to anyone. I get that, I really do. But I feel like the same thing is happening that always happens. I feel like after that night, everything is messed up. I have sent a message again after a couple of days, just like a normal friend would do. I feel like she responded not because she wanted to but because she is a nice person and "had" to.

I have run that night through my mind a million times, "Should I not have said that". "Should I have done something differently". "Did I act weird". "Was I rude". "Did she not like the fact that I smoke (No no, she doesn't give a damn about that)". "What could it be". "Am I overthinking this or did I actually do something wrong". "Am I broken". "Why am I not normal". "What the hell is going on!!!".

Maybe I am reading into it. Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I think too much. I don't know anymore. It is really a torturous feeling knowing you are doing something wrong, but not knowing what it is. One of the lessons my mom taught me when I was a child, which I think about a lot and live a lot of my life to. "If you feel everyone in the world is wrong, maybe it is time to stop looking at the world and start looking at yourself". This is how I know I am doing something wrong.

I don't know anymore. I feel like I'm in a void and my life is getting really dark, really quick. Not only because of that night. Just my life in general. I feel like I have now officially given up. I really don't care anymore if I only live until tomorrow. To be honest, I feel like it would be a blessing if I really did only live until tomorrow. Actually, I beg, to only live until tomorrow.