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Okay so I've been on and off spiraling on a daily.
I'm very tired and just stuck and lost. nd the thing that makes it hurts a shit ton, is that it's constantly there, constantly changing. I'm happy for 2 minutes, a smell, a facial expression, a tone in voice changes my mood. And what makes that worst is that it's on Level a million. Ooooh shit I'm so fucking happy I can kiss everyone, a loud clash of pans, now I'm irritated that noise triggers me, you saying something?! I can't hear you everything is too much. Now I'm mad, ahh fuck I'm pissed, everything is taking too long, I need to hit something. Sad, oof I swear imma die and everything is whack and you don't love me, my cat walks away from me and it just hurts soo bad. And then BOOM I feel nothing, just stuck empty lost as fuck don't even know if I'm real or if this is all bullshit.
BPD(borderline personality disorder)/EUPD(emotionally unstable personality disorder).
Whack
I've been showing symptoms since I can remember but no one cared...I needed to figure what's wrong wrong why is everything too much and constantly changing. I got my diagnosis in March and it was an eye opener and an eye shit for the rest of that.
"OH hey turns out you have bpd and a possibility of a whole lot of shit, and um there's no cure...just coping skills, ah HEALTHY coping skills, and you just gotta fight until you die, ya know? Anyways um that will be the cost of a university bachelor's degree thank you byyyyeeee."
So today 21 realizing living is very hard and it really did slow me down and I've been through shit that I didn't know was shit until 20 years old and now.
Assulted by my grandma, my mom didn't stick up for me, never did.
Me as a child with these symptoms but my family never took me to get checked up when it was obvious something was wrong, my coping skills with that painful urge was food. That was my self harm, not noticeable I guess.
I've hurt people and people hurt me, and I was left and just had so much neglect, I would cry because I feel all this pain in my chest all this intense constant emtion in such a little vessel.
I get beat up from my big sister, who I don't consider a sister at all, and she's not aware nor give a fuck of the damage.
I was a defensive child always sticking up for myself while I see my mom in the corner letting these adults make fun of me, and I would just look at her, but never knew if that's how it goes.
It doesn't, if my mom sexual assaulted and abused my children, call my children these awful things, NO I wouldn't be okay I wouldn't be beasties with my mom after knowing that.
So I have hurt and rage and I've been "splitting"(black and white thinking, all good or all bad, no in between) from my mom since I was little and never got the chance to come back because it was always pain that she didn't care for properly.
So now as an adult I don't believe a damn thing and I read people and I can't trust people. People are disappointing. I split from myself everyday. I'm either the top star or literal dog shit. From me dropping something on the ground to me loosing my shit when I promised myself to try to control it, to me brushing my teef and I'm like dammmn I like how my nose look.
What I'm trying to say is I was never happy long just mostly all the negative emotions. I try and try to find a way to live this life of mine, but when? When can I be able to make MYSELF happy. I want to so bad.
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