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Spiraling:
Okay so you have bpd/eupd
Everything is too much most of the time
Time isn't your friend
Work is like hell, I mean it feel awful, you're soo tense, and can barely breathe and everything makes you too stimulated
You need therapy, a lot of it
No financial support from any of your family, mom says ask dad, dad says he doesn't believe in that shit, so oop I won't support
You realize all you can depend on is YOU.
Need a full time job
That job feels like a fork in the garbage disposal and you eventually can't...you quit and feel calmness for 2 days
Now you need a job and then it repeats
You need full time job to get benefits, so you don't pay over $100 per session per twice a week.
But You have a career that literally destroys your already broken brain,
You don't know what to do.
You now don't have a therapist nor psychiatrist anymore and you feel mentally ill.
You Go look for help, noprofits
They say you good....because you looked hella sad 2 minutes ago and now your happy as ever, but of course 5 minutes later you're just nothing, no feelings nada. But ooooh I'm okay😑😒🥴
You think of dying everyday, but you overthink that, because you don't like funerals and you know your family is going to disrespect my body, and ruin your little sister's already fucked life, but then you make a document of what you want or whatever when you leave this place.
They put you on a waiting list to get the help you need, but dudes this is going to take months or even over a year to get there.
So you try to get to the doctors to take better care or yourself, cause you was never took care of. HA but there's a waiting list just to check my heart beat...November
You can't live with your mom ever again, that's the place that put you in the hospital and had you hyperventilate 3 times a week.
So you live with a friend, who of course didn’t take the disorder seriously, and eventually hurt me intensely, and now you split(black and white thinking, all good or all bad, no in between) from you friend and try to stay civil even though you can't look at them the same. And you think it will never go back to how I viewed the person
But anyways you don't eat, because all you can afford is your bills and you fur children needs.
You can't ask for help because I was the one helping them since I was little. So you suck it up, eat little nibbles of food at work to tame that I'm fucking hungry noise.
You never been stable before, you moved over 15 times and you're only 21, as an individual only moved 3 times.
No one wants to be around you, you're "too much," "a lot," "the most complicated person I ever met." It lingers when you've been hearing this when you were a bean. It just feels true all the bad things people say feels true more than the good things. It doesn't matter when said to my face cause mannnn I'm tough I don't give a fuck, but when I'm having that mood, ugh, all those words come in a group and jump me, beating me senseless
You hurt people, people hurt you and you just go on and on thinking hella hard, and have this realization WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE!?
YOU CARE SO MUCH AND NO ONE DOES, AND YOU TRY AND TRY AND OOOO FUCKING TRY TO DO BETTER BE BETTER GET FUCKING BETTER, BUT YOU JUST GET YOURSELF SICK AND YOU JUST DON'T KNOW
i...i..I just need a hug until I can fall asleep
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