As we read between the lines…

As we read between the lines-

This time I don’t think I can wait for deathbed guilt.

I love you Pa

Pleas for forgiveness to begin to

live for myself, to make my own choices; to not fear your judgement and presence even when you aren’t around.

I’m sorry papi

“if you grow up with an angry man in your house there will always be an angry man in your house.” You are and have always been in every room, watching, all at once, in my marriage bed keeping the distance between him and I

I love you Pa

In my mind, outside of my home waiting to startle the silence i begin to cultivate. Silence isn’t peace but it is a start. You are weaker now

I’m sorry papi.

But, you still exist in my impatience, my rage, my obsessiveness, my exhaustion, the inner voice that silences me.

I don’t want to wait for you to be begging for forgiveness for all you have done just before, you die-

I love you Pa

only for you to leave me, furious and grieving not only for your death; but for the realization that as you left this world- you absolved yourself of accountability with an apology I had no choice but to accept

It’s ok papi you did your best.

The only gift you never gave me was cruelty, even at the expense of my own salvation.

After all the damage done to me, death is your escape, and you have left me with yet another thing to carry- the crumbling, furious knowledge that I was never wrong all those years

I love you Pa.

The wounds will still be here. I did this with her too…

It’s okay Mami i know you did your best.

I told her I forgave her, when so much of me didn’t.

What else do you give a dying woman but peace? She needs or wants for nothing else. She cannot take it with her.

Te amo ma.

I lied for her as I do for you. I always have.

Los quiero tanto.

In doing so have sentenced myself to a life that endlessly repeats, splits at the seams and aches when I look too closely

Si, todo bien, te amo, bye.

I am 28 now. The leaves are changing. You will never be really gone. I am not sure if this is beauty or tragedy.

I love you Pa.