What are you looking for?
2 months ago · · Stress,
I actually thought that he's the one bc whenever we were together I was the happiest even though he wasn't very responsible I just fell for him. And yeah we used to fight when we were together but it never lasted a day or well a night. But since all of it happened it's just so hard to stay the same. Ik I can be unreasonable sometimes but can you blame me? I have no one to share things with I'm all alone. It's so hard to put up a happy face in front of everyone when you are going through the worst time of your life. And all I could ask for was for him to be there. I love him a lot and ik he does too, but then why is it hard to find time for someone you love? Earlier time used to pass by so fast and now everyday seems like forever long. He's my first love. I've dated before and what I thought was love, seems nothing in front of what I have now. My friends don't like him and I can't care less about what they think bc ik him like no one else does. Even though I laugh about just living alone and trying to be okay with it, it's my worst nightmare which I see coming true. Bc I've given this relationship everything literally everything, my career is on stake bc of it but I promise this to myself if this works out I will never NEVER look back on what and why it happened bc it'll all be worth it.
I hope he comes around before it's too late bc I can feel myself shutting down a little by the day goes.It's the worst. The only thing that kept me going is no more I blocked him and he didn't even try to contact me. Am I this bad? Do I really don't deserve happiness? I have no clue why this is happening to me and I hope it passes soon but I can't keep on going like this. Everyday I'm a second away from killing myself and just ending it. But then I imagine my parents face and it stops me. Ppl will say I have my whole life ahead of me. But they don't know how I've seen my whole life shatter right in front of my eyes and I couldn't do anything about it. I can't believe I thought he loved me the way I did bc no one treats someone like he treated me not even their enemies. I hate you so much for putting me through all of this when all I did was be there for you no matter what.
Please God give me strength to get over this bc I swear I've forgotten how it felt like being happy. I just started being normal and now this. Maybe he doesn't deserve me, maybe it's the timing. Idc, rn all I could see is myself being alone and depressed and fighting all the suicidal thoughts.
Is it really over? I'm dying to go back to him but this cycle will never end. I love him I love him so much but I don't think I can continue to be in a relationship where I'm not a priority. I might never be able to move on and ik I'll break I might even go back to him only for all of this to happen again. I need strength to go through this. I never pictured it this way but this is life ig. The unexpected happens.