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Is there any way to increase productivity? sounds pathetic. like theres always a voice in my head saying "get your ass up and move" but how do i actually make it work? is this procrastination? am i lazy? am i not wanting to do things cuz im depressed? if i am depressed, why sometimes i feel this spark in me like i can achieve anything in the world i want to? and why does it die down the next moment? what is stopping me? what am i scared of? why cant i stop thinking and just do? actions are basically what matters. if all im doing is thinking, its only gonna get me so far.
I wish i could use some substance to help me get a kick. for me to work my ass off. doing whatever i wanna do to get my life back on track. but i dont want drugs to be the reason why i started. shouldnt it come from within or something? motivation is lies and even if its there, i highly doubt its there to stay. where should i find that consistency and dedication to learn? to make things work? to get my life to its best possible stage? to start?
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Wow, this feels like younger me talking to myself. I know that all you want to do is achieve more but thinking about how to only digs you into a deeper hole - I did that for the past 2 years of my life, and not saying that it will happen to you, but it did not leave me with good consequences.
Just focus on something outside of yourself, a purpose, even if it's not noble, like just living a wealthy lifestyle in the future. Focus on what you want to do for other people, because ultimately that's what your career is for, right? It's to serve society, not your pride or ego or identity. It's not even just to earn money. The main thing is to not focus on yourSELF and what's wrong with you. Nothing's wrong with you; as you said, action is all that matters. Unless you find some subspecialty that you enjoy doing, like maths, I doubt intrinsic motivation lasts. I think everyone who has intrinsic motivation in one specialty has an extrinsic purpose that they're working towards - that person who enjoys doing maths might be working towards finding the solution to a problem never solved before. Sometimes, just by having that extrinsically motivating endpoint, they start to intrinsically enjoy the activities they need to get there. I know it's cliche to "find your purpose" but it's a cliche for a reason.
I understand that need for "motivation" to consistently learn, and it feels wrong when you don't have it intrinsically - because surely everyone should want to learn, as it's a good thing to do? For me, the best thing has been to not focus on getting that "consistency" and "dedication." Just focus on doing the next step. Reflect on your work itself, refine it, do the next step, and there will be no need for you to judge if you're consistent or dedicated. How do you even judge if you're consistent or dedicated? The best thing to judge consistency might be the Seinfield Method, but beyond that, what arbitrary metrics are you even using to judge if you're a "consistent person"? Don't focus on identity. Often people say don't judge other people but also don't judge yourself either, which is a little more subtle but insidious. Trying to analyse yourself to see your wrongs might be intuitive, because you're reflecting right? But I think the main problem is indeed, as you said, procrastination, as you don't know the next step. To find the next step, you might need to find the direction you want to travel in. If you can't decide yet, just experiment. Doing something is way better than doing nothing. No, you're not lazy. You're probably like the majority of the world's population, though I couldn't know that.
I hope that was somewhat helpful. I do hope this doesn't come across too aggressive either: you've just said everything that my younger self would have said and I just wish I could turn back time to tell her this. In an absurd way, thank you for writing this. I really, really wish the best future for you. :)
ReplyNo, Thank you :')
I guess you are right. ive been focusing on the wrong aspects all this time, being too critical of myself, doubting myself. and it has become this pattern of mine since the last year. i keep saying i love myself and that i wanna try to figure out whats happening with me has made me obsessed that i cannot see the bigger picture anymore. Its definitely not just about "me"
its what i can do for others. one step at a time.
and yes, i love the idea of experimenting. the more i keep thinking about it, the more its gonna drown me.
i just realized i got caught with all these questions like WHO AM I WHAT IS MY PURPOSE WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE that i forgot to live. haha. sucks.
but better late than never right?
it must have been difficult for you too, i hope you are content and happy with where you are and who you are.
wishing you the best.
thank you so much. <3
ReplyReading this and the comments warmed my heart because Im feeling the same.
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