what i wish i could do

i'm writing this here because i need to get it out somewhere.

generally, i try not to let my thoughts about this subject get out of hand, because i know it isn't healthy. regardless of my perspective on this, i just need to write it down somewhere where it won't haunt me.

i want to pin you to the wall and watch your eyes widen and face tinge in a blush. i want to hear you stutter and do that little nervous laugh you do. i want to shush you quietly by leaning in to kiss you. i want to kiss you until you groan and i can hear your breathlessness. i want to run my hands down your chest and slip them under your shirt, just to hear you inhale at the skin-to-skin contact. i want to push you onto your back on the couch. i want to climb on top of you and straddle you. i want to do this so i can smile at you and your flushed face, and hold you hands away from your face so i can look at you. i want to hear you say my name involuntarily, candidly, and brokenly.

is it bad that i want to monopolize your attention for a while?

because i want to have the ability to inspire a blush on your face just by you looking at me. i want to see you vulnerable and shy. i want to see how pale your skin is underneath your shirt, and comfort your embarrassment with gentle little coos and encouraging smiles. i want to hear you breathe in a ragged way when i touch your stomach softly and massage it slowly. i want to see you turn your face away in a blushed shyness, and reach up to pull your attention back to me. i want to win little noises with your kisses. i want to see you squirm to free your hands so you can get me back, just so i can laugh a little and revel in my ability to distract you. i want to love you,

& i want you to feel loved to your sweet/shy core. i want to hear you say that you love me, like you always do, but with a raw context. i want to hear it so i can say it back and kiss you down the side of your neck to your sweet spot and whisper into your ear all of the things we fight not to say to keep ourselves from going too far.

these are the smallest of things that i want to do. but they are above level 1, so i need to wait. i need to show self-control, even if i am addicted to your pink face.