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Can someone tell me if it can affect how my mother treats me when I was a kid to my attitude now? Cause when I was a kid, I usually cry at school and they were sending me home due to my headache. But my mother knows it it was not true. She knows I was just faking it. She'll be very angry and sometimes pinch me. It's not just the case. When I was already teenager, i wanted to talk to her but she was always angry and I don't know why. So I decided not to talk about my day at school. She was always angry especially when I show her my grades which is not so good. I remembered when I was 5-6 years old i think, she told me when she found out that she's pregnant to me, she was scared because my father will get mad to her or not gonna accept it. She tried to run and run so that I'll die but i was too strong i didn't die. I also saw her trying to cut her wrist at the same age when she told me the story. She continued to do it even though she knows i was there but when my older sister/brother, she stopped. Of course at that time I don't know what she is doing but when I was a teenager, it flashes back into my mind. Now I realize what she wants to do with her self. For how many years, i was depressed and suicidal. Too many failed attempts. I feel like i was made accidentally and they just have to accept me. Many years came they changed. Now they are trying their best to save me. But it's too late. They already created a monster. My attitude became worst. I can't control my emotions. And I always have hatred and anger in my heart. Now, if I see my mother being nice to my niece, buying her what she wants and giving her what she wants, makes me so angry. It is because I feel pity to my younger self. She don't deserve the pain.
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++ now I am hungry for love and attention even though they tried their best to give it to me now. But it's not me who wants it. It is my younger self who wants it. Whenever they try to comfort me, i feel disgust and try to push them away. I usually isolate myself from anyone when O feel angry or sad.
ReplyIs it my fault for being a bad person? Or I just need to heal? Please someone answer me.
ReplyYou're not a bad person. You have no control how your mom was to you or what she is buying for your niece. Her anger is her own. She seems pretty difficult to be around. I think you did and are doing your best. I'm glad you're still here.
You and younger self are still a part of you. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you just were mistreated when you needed love and care. So your feelings of jealousy are valid because you weren't treated that way by your mom. Just take life one day at a time. You likely need to heal I think. From what you said it seems bothersome to you how your mom was angry all the time. Just try to be kind to yourself you and your younger self. Take care xx
ReplyYou’re not a bad person. They weren’t there for you when you were younger, but now they try to be. Of course, you would be feeling what you feel now. Your feelings are valid. Those feelings are normal. You are not bad person.
ReplyAnger can be like a seed planted in a child. I can relate to your situation. Your emotional needs were not meant when you were a young child your awareness and you explaining how you feel is amazing. Even one or two generations ago there weren't many people expressing how they felt. Mental and emotional health weren't really talked about. Does your school have any counseling options? If so it is very beneficial to talk to a professional they can offer guidance personalized and face to face. I want you to know you articulating how you feel is half the battle not everyone is able to identify the reasons they are upset. I want you to feel better because I actually care about you.
ReplyHope you are okay....
If you are able to say all this here loud, i am sure you are enough strong to fight that monster that you created.
Yes, right you created her....But you didn't do it intentionally I believe.....
I wish you stop expecting people to love you.....Doesn't mean you are not worthy of love...Just because she is your mother who says she have to love you the way you want.....
Your mother is another individual with her own emotions, nobody taught her to be perfect mother.....She become the mother with all abilities and capabilities she have......Do you think everybody gets the mother to behave the same way children wish for.......
First, stop expecting love.and start loving yourself.....Be proud of yourself, how far you have come all with struggles...
You can't understand your mother unless you are in her shows.....May be you feel that she treat your siblings differently...You might also feel what wrong you did not to deserve that love....
But dear. We can never.force anybody to love us.....even if its your family....
So, stop getting jealous and stop looking for love from other people.....
The weak kid inside you who is hurt and the strong person who is currently writing on this platform for help to getter better is also you.....
Your pains won't disappears and you wil also never forget........But you can't hold on to that painful thoughts forever....
So, start loving yourself..
..Take care of yourself......
Reply