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I worry he’ll resent me if I actually leaned on him and told him things in my life. He knows I hold back and wants me to tell him stuff, but I can’t and won’t because it’s too personal to me and we have a complicated friendship due to a romantic past. So I’ll say it here: a friend of mine tried to off himself lately. I’m worried I won’t get my paper work in on time. I don’t think I’m emotionally as available as I’d like to be. I’m behind on on my reports. I don’t like who I am and would like to improve. I can’t look at my body in the mirror without wanting to cry a lot of the time. I could be a better big sister. I could be a better daughter. I feel like crying all of the time but I haven’t cried in over a month. It breaks my heart to still care about him. I’m so afraid of failure. I don’t utilize my time effectively. I need to learn to be emotionally open. I used to get hit a lot and that’s why I don’t let him touch my face. I have plans for books, songs, paintings, all unfinished, and it all drives me crazy. I don’t take care of myself spiritually well enough. I have amazing friends and I worry I don’t love them as well as I could. I feel like a jealous girlfriend when he tells me about the dates he goes on and I have no right to be. He resents me now for not being open with him but I fear he’d also resent me if I was open with him and asked him to hold all this. I wish him peace and I don’t like feeling like this
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