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so I guess im back here again. Id written another letter to the fireplace about 4 months ago, which i reread again last night. and honestly, did it get worse now? it's just all to tangled up in my chest and i haven't stopped thinking about this since we met, and started talking. there are days when you're all i think about, when i see the sky on fire at the sunset, when those songs play. and since when were all those beautiful songs about you? and fuck I'm still not sure what this is. and I'm terrified, because what we have right now is the best connection I've ever had with anyone. and I'm terrified of losing that, of messing it up. i think everyone's suspicious of us. I'm not particularly the most observant person, but ah I'd have to be a brick wall not to know what they say about us. i don't know what exactly i want us to be. but that's not entirely true. I want to be the one you tell things to, the one you stay up with and look at the stars. i want to go to bookstores with you. to be regulars at those little cafes and make friends with the people working there. and fuck, we might just be kinda depressed teenagers in a small world, but I'm just so glad i have you. the thing is, it's just these couples everywhere now. every hallway at school, anywhere you look. i think we're both very very aware of how everyone sees us. but when you're next to me, none of that shit matters, and it's just us, laughing about whatever ridiculously insane thing we just thought of. the more i write, the more absurd it seems. because if anyone else wrote this, id be like oh they're so in love, so in denial. but am i though? what if you're my platonic soulmate? what if you're not? maybe i just can't tell the difference. maybe it's both. maybe it's maybelline-
i don't know anything for sure about any of that. but what i know is, in a room full of people, I'd look for you. I'd give you half the orange im peeling. a pretty shell i find at the beach, just cause. A million pictures of the sky, because when i see a particularly pretty cloud, i think, "oh you'd love this". i should be studying right now, but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. and fuck, you're just the sweetest person i know. am i in love, or do i just feel seen by you? i wish i knew.
and maybe, just maybe, someday you'll see this, and by then we'd have figured something out, somewhere, sitting cross legged over a kitchen counter, warm cups of tea in our hands, while it pours outside.
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ReplyWhy can’t I find any more fireplace letters? Curse your blackened soul, Novni.
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