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On the outside my family is normal, not picture perfect, just normal. On the inside - I don't remember a day without screaming, yelling and guilt-tripping. I grew up to be one of those adults who are super vigilant and overthink every little expression and can't stand loud noises. And every call or conversation turns into guilt-tripping and yelling.
And it has gotten bad, really bad in the last few years. I'm the daughter when they need groceries or to fix something on their car. And I'm either monster or disappointment on every other occasion. Sometimes I simply don't exist.
I've drafted a will, I've started training people on my team on duties that are my responsibility, I've been giving away favourite books and souvenirs to friends. And I was feeling peaceful for the first time in years, like at least they will have something of mine and I won't be completely forgotten.
Yesterday, a team lead from another department made one of the coordinators on my team cry and while calming her, she said there are days she keeps going because of me. And that hit awfully hard. And I cried with her. And I realised that I should keep going, too. That there is a chance I'm not so awful after all.
So, how did you do it? How did you leave your parents behind and never looked back? Because I haven't even started this and I already feel guilty for doing it.
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Instead of only looking at how they treat you, pay attention to how they interact with others as well. Do they have long lasting friendships? Do they treat each other like that? Do they even believe in friendship? Some people don't believe there is such a thing as friendship. While you watch them, think about how you are defining normal. What are you basing normal from? Is it a tv show? Movie? Neighbors? Your own family? What we consider normal isn't always a healthy normal.
I don't know about leaving your parents completely would be right for you, though. You sound like a sweet person. Sometimes a break is all you need.
Maybe tell them you are sick? Tell them you are working out of town. Or if you are really worried about them while you take a break, hire someone to help them for a few weeks. Or tell them the truth: they are getting on your nerves and before you start to hate them, you are going to take a break. Or tell them they are right, you are a monster and you have been eating cookies and been in a food coma for three weeks. Or tell them the Dallas Cowboy football team has shown up at your door and you are busy having sex with them all. Who cares what they think? They can think whatever they want. No matter what you do, they are going to think whatever they want. What they think does not mean they are right. You are being kind to them, and they are being mean instead of being grateful.
You do things because that is what you can live with. If something happened to them, would you be able to live with yourself? Be who you are and the person you want to be despite who they are. You will not regret that.
ReplyBefore you leave and never look back tell your parents that you are considering doing this and will do it unless they find a different way to communicate even if it means they both attend marriage counselling.
ReplyHello I'm a mom of 6 grown children. Never have I made my bills or repair needs the problem of any child. You are your own person and not beholden to your parents for anything. Your only responsibility is to yourself until you have your own child ( if you want any ) and tho they claim to love you ( in their own way I'm sure they do ) you do not have to help them or accept any kind of abuse from them.
If you're still living with them.... move out. If you're living space is independent from theirs..... stop going there stop answering the phone and in either case get counseling... I would much rather any of my children to stop talking to me and live without communicating with me than for one to committ suicide. There's a whole world out side your door that has nothing to do with your parents and since youre alive you should go find the part of the world that makes you happy.
Ending your life is never the answer. In time you'll heal and figure out IF it's possible to have any kind of relationship with them... and if not... you will have already found how to be your own person. They will be ok. How they feel about you leaving them behind is a choice up to them and what they're willing to do to fix things is also a choice up to them.
Replylove them like you would love a stranger. Being in a family creates this sense of obligation, that's why the guilt tripping works. You feel obligated to these people because they birthed and raised you. It's obligation that creates these heavy feelings of not being able to get away even if you don't feel loved. If you're anything like me, its easier to give twenty bucks to a beggar on the side of the road than to a family member that only texts you when they need money.
You can still love your family, care about them even, but a way of not looking back, making sure that their antics don't touch you is to love them like a stranger. Strangers show everyday kindness to each other. You don't feel obligated to hold the door open for people or you don't feel obligated to say good morning, but you do simply because they aren't worth bitterness. Your family isn't worth bitterness either. They're not worth your time. They are not worth the space in your head.
Also, if I can ask a favor. I am working on a passion project of mine. Recently, I felt the loneliest i've ever felt and I talked to some people who shared very specific stories that were akin to my situation and it made me feel less lonely. I think your story accomplishes that, so I was wondering if I could incorporate your story in a compilation of stories that make people feel less alone. I'd be retelling these stories through creative means because I am a narration voice actor and I mostly do audiobooks, but i want to do a personal project for a change
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