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((just wanted to share a little bit, just realized I never got to actually talk about the Tigers last post.. I was going on about how I had heard that panic attacks is a remnant from way back when, what, 50 000 years ago? When we needed a. Let's say protocol in our brains that when in danger. Like in realy serious life and death situations. The brain could, dial down some of the none essential functions not absolutely needed whilst suddenly have crossed paths with a huge saber tooth tiger. An and in the same manner do the opposite, turn up dials that make my litarly run for my life. To max setting. In less then thousands of a second after locking eyes with this killing machine designed to toy with and play with us whilst slowly eating us alive. The brain also know there's a 97% chans we're absolutely and totally fu**ed. But it is not designed to give up easy either.
So.. How to make the body run and i mean run like you just got your leg ripped of your body. Curiously. This doesn't consern you nearly as much as you thought it would. You don't care that it's gone forever whilst not feeling pain for some reason.
This escape have to be damn near flawless. Forgotten your favorite animal and/or bone Neanderthal shoes? Well that's an easy fix. Just turn of footpainfeels, turn up heart rate to 500, let the equivalent of an alien meth chef, get full command of starship Neanderthal Anders to boldly clime a tree higher than anyone back att the caves ever had climbed earlier or ever would climb. . Give us 50000% extra periferal vision. Yes chef! I mean we're talking Superduper NeanderAnders powers here. I know you all know this. Anyway. Was thinking about this and how I recently have been using.. Not this analogy but simular when I have an panic attack.
When I I'm in the dead center of an attack. When all you can think is
- it will get better it will get better..
But then that exact sentence is deleted from everywhere, that knowledge is suddenly gone and you start thinking.
-well sh*t, this is how I live now, and forever to the end of times.
This is my life now and.. I do.. Not. like it. At all. This is definitely not a way to spend the rest of eternity. Someone flip the switch or. What was I thinking?
We all react a bit differently to our surroundings. And those humans cougt in the storm when I have panic attacks.
And every cursed word that these people say. Every word that comes out of their stupid none symmetrical garbage mouths. Is making my brain do mental notes of horrible things to do to them. "note to self, piss in that assholes shoes then shit on his cat if theres time. Because they, not always but to often. Seems feel this is something that is happening to them. It's not. Leave or stay, jump of a cliff mabey? Up to you I say. I mean nothing that they suggest sounds good at all. Not that I cold tell if it was. My brain is struggling putting sentences together. Because of that fu**in Saber Tooth Tiger that's not really there but like a super anyoing car alarm that never got turns of even though it's stupid and probably kills dolphins. But brain still is absolutely convinced it is for sure going to lose another leg. Not on this brains watch! So every system in my brain needed to interact with other humans in any meaningful way, is now slowly shutting down like HAL 2000 In that Cubric movie.
-would you like a glas of water?
Hmm let me think..
“I'm afraid I can't let you do that David"
-hello? Want to sitt down?
"damn, I had the answer to that question ready to go, then it must have crached like ww2 planes trying to aircraft carrier launch in a tsunami on jupiter"
-need some air?
“daaaisy, daaaaisy"
This is just one way it sometimes goes. Have lernd to use my "tools" much better and it does not get red blinking 70s cop car style as often. But sometimes it does.
And the question often comes back to me at a later time.
-what do you want us to do when it gets that bad again?
And I honestly never know. I got nothing. This often makes others, frustrated.
Well that's actually top of things not to do. If you could try not to get noticeable frustrated about trying but failing to make it about you again while making me feel bad about it, kindly don't. It's weird I know. But it doesn't help. At all.
So I started using that saber tooth tiger analogy to try to explain in short what's going on in my head, and. That nothing about it is ever logical. Mental illness In general is completely bonkers insane with near zero logic in the way that it can manifest it self to others. So tiger explains it all I thought. Surely? I mean I am having an flight or flight reaction. But a number 14 out of 5.
I'm 100% sure I going to die. Not every time. Some times am just pretty it might probably could happen.
But that's not a fun time either.
Well. Turns out like with everything else. People never had an panic attack can't relate.
- oh I have had some pretty gnarly experiences, think I know what you're talking about.
Nope.
You would have to be on a plane going 90 degrees down dead set on impregnting the earth with it self.
Or go parachuteing not tandem but all by your self just to realize you forgot your parachute then the plane explodes. And you are on jupiter. Again..
So anyways.. I started to switch out words in the already written sentences. After a while I realized my mind was not in the mood for funny tiger analogies. So I wrote som pretty dramatic and way to over the topp for me to actually be comfortable showing anyone. Wiers spelling errors etc but English is not my first language so.. Yah. Thanks))))))
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