What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
Struggling with an inferiority complex as an AFAB nonbinary
1 year ago · 1 · gender dysphoria, +3 · Explicit
250
(I intended to post this on reddit but I might be shadowbanned, it wont work and I’m not sure where I should post it, I’m hoping people are nice here though.)
For over a year I’ve been having an identity crisis in a way. I’m 15, a nonbinary AFAB (female at birth) and I present masculine. My masculine presentation isn’t the key factor in how I feel, because I can imagine even if I filled my wardrobe with women’s clothing and grew out my hair, I’d still be struggling.
Keep in mind, I don’t want to demean anyone born female or any women with what I share, this is a personal struggle that is aimed at myself and I actually feel inferior to most women anyway, because I’m always so much smaller than everyone, and these women seem to be comfortable with themselves, I’m just constantly struggling with things I can never beat. I feel like a worthless, cheap copy when comparing myself to men.
I do have dysphoria, but not always, when I’m not in my nightmarish luteal phase, I can live with this a little bit more. I wear a chest binder often and hope to possibly reduce my chest to A cup or lower, or if I decide completely, top surgery (mastectomy.)
I don’t like my feminine shaped body sometimes, how much fat I have around my hips, my squishy arms. I learned that my body does a lot of these processes for incubating purposes, which disgusts me, I abhor the idea of childbirth and motherhood, I would give my life to avoid pregnancy. I’ve spent a long time doomscrolling and trying to suppress my worries of inferiority with the internet, but that just made things worse. I know so much random shit about the female and male body now, so I’ve made myself extremely miserable.
I know this might not be true, but it’s hard to convince me otherwise, at least when relating to myself, because this whole thing is just a hellhole of self-loathing. But, I hate how much of my body is geared towards motherhood, it irks me, it’s made me feel sick, I’ve wanted to die because of it and I still feel that way sometimes.
Now I’ll get to the most heart-wrenching part of why I’m so miserable. I envy the male body, I want it so badly, I feel like a worthless weakling in comparison to it. I envy their puberty, how their shoulders broaden, how they grow copious amounts of muscle in comparison to my squishy arms, their leaner legs and thighs, the flat chest, able to roam freely at the beach without a cover. How they reach climax easier,(I can hardly ever do it and when I do it takes forever and a lot of effort.) They don’t have their femurs at a weird slanted angle, which allows them to run faster, how they can run for longer without getting tired, the higher metabolism, how hard they punch in comparison to me…
God, why do I have to feel like this? This is agony, I’ve completely thrown out all of my self-esteem because of this inferiority complex. I feel so inadequate, so worthless. Since I already pass as a young man and speak quite deeply, I feel like an imposter. I wish I could just be male and have that base level of strength that I admire, I’d get shamed for being weak, but at least I’d have more control over it! Me, now? I will always have a surrounding layer of fat everywhere, no matter what. Unless I take testosterone, which I’ve contemplated and cried to my Dad about, but won’t do because I am fine with my appearance and am averse to some of the effects, what I want is a bigger waist, leaner body (I don’t like the look of male bodybuilders and men who lift frequently, I’d rather have a lean type, or at least a normal male weight, hopefully you get the picture.) Because, I’ve always been attracted to more slender male bodies. I’m fine with being short (I’m 5’1) but I’d prefer to be around 5’4 if I was male, which I know it sounds crazy, but my height is one of the few things I can embrace and even adore about myself.
I’ve completely corrupted my mindset and it’s driven me to hurt myself before, one of those times with the intent to be fatal.
I am not a transgender man, at least I don’t think so, I’m constantly going back and forth while ruminating but the best conclusion would be non-binary, a non-binary kid who presents as male and has an androgynous identity.
I can live with what I have downstairs, at least not during my PMDD hell-weeks, but sometimes I feel defeated knowing I wont be biologically male, which is what I want so badly, If I had the choice, I’d choose it in a heartbeat, but I’m not sure if I’d keep my current genitalia or switch, I just hate the secondary characteristics of being female so god damned much. I can’t even put into words how much I resent having these and how inadequate I feel. Puberty ruined me, it’s just unfair, I’ve read all about the advantages of female biology, like living longer and immune systems and all of that shit, but the males I know seem fine! I don’t like how minuscule all of these “bonuses” seem in comparison, all of them are related to childbearing, I know men have some sort of evolutionary purpose, but I envy that very much, they can hunt, fight, do heroic things much more easily, all of that is so cool to me! I hate the idea of sitting alone in a cave, (or surrounded by the other poor female souls) with a baby suckling on my teat constantly. I will choose not to have children, but that just makes me feel worse, because I have all of these horrible side-effects from my biology that I can’t live with, they are all there for no fucking reason.
I want to live without feeling completely worthless and useless, I wish it wasn’t like this, I wish I could have an androgynous body with the same capacity for muscle as someone male, I wish sex hormones didn’t exist and everyone had equal playing field based purely on individuality and genetics, not puberty and hormones.
I know women have a tiny amount of societal advantages, but I’ve already broken through the stereotypes associated with masculinity and femininity, if I was male I wouldn’t be afraid to express myself, I’m quite bold with my androgyny, but ashamed for my body. I’m deeply emotional, too and I’m not always ashamed for it, as a male I’d be able to find the courage to share my pains, I wouldn’t be ashamed of crying, crying is a wonderful release.
I’m too embarrassed to talk to a therapist or a professional about this, or even family, and I know I need help, I’ve always struggled with obsessive thought cycles and self-esteem, I’ve struggled with body image for a long time and I spent my entire childhood beating myself up and feeling helpless, it’s all come to this moment, where I’m stuck in this feeling of inferiority. My courage will only let me drop some hints until I get closer to explaining the bigger picture to professionals, and on reddit, where I’ve gotten more confident after seeing posts similar to this one, but here, I’m going in depth and trying my best to keep this coming across like a personal experience and nothing relating to all AFAB people on a whole.
If you reached the end, thank you. This is something really, really, painful that I’m often embarrassed about. I’m glad I got it out, sorry if the post is pretty long.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
A rant about gender dysphoria
Got up today and felt like trash. It does be like that on other days as well but at the moment I am not that mentally well in other points either. So. Our Educa...
-
I Need Advice
Hi, so I’m Trans FTM, and I’ve kept on pushing my mom to let me cut my hair like a guys hair. Every time my mom brings up cutting my hair, I say I want to c...
I wish you some intense healing from your self-hatred... the views you have of yourself are very toxic and toxicity spreads. I'm going to decontaminate.
Reply