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I have the most perfect family- me, my brother, mom and dad. A happy little family of four. That was until a few months ago actually. My brother was suspecting that my dad was having an affair with someone else but everytime he shared it to me, I brushed it away by saying that proof is what will make me believe it. As days went by and I actually started to notice my dad's behaviour; I also felt that he was having an affair- always being on the phone, video calling or texting, moving the phone or turning it off whenever someone was around,etc. Things went worse when my brother found chats between him and that woman and sent me screenshots. I couldn't deny the facts anymore nor run away from it. My parents' relationship went from being on top of the world to dust, from talking everyday and spending time together to not talking at all. Dad remains our of the house most of the time and whenever he is in the house, he is always on the phone, his mood swings change in seconds and small things from my mom triggers him for no reason. I need help on how to approach this matter. My dad isn't someone who is hated or disliked by any- he is always supportive and caring and loving. Living in such a culture that I am from, it makes things like these very hard. I reach out for advice on how I should deal with this matter.
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Does your mother know what he is up to?
ReplyNo, she doesn't know abt it. Me and my brother knows it only, along with one of our closest cousin.
ReplyUgh... this is really awful that your dad has breached your mother's trust like this, and it's bound to have messy emotional consequences for the whole family while your parents decide what to do with this upsetting new revelation that has come to light.
In terms of how to deal with it... It's really not your business to "fix", if that's what you were hoping for.
Your parents are both adults, they know their own marriage the way only a married couple can. They're both going to have a lot of fraught emotions over this, that they will have to resolve within themselves and between each other.
I think you can be supportive, in terms of trying to remain neutral - they will both still be your parents after the dust has settled, after all. Your dad is still the same loving, caring, supportive guy, but now you know about some other qualities, as evidenced by his behaviour. Focus on what you want your relationship with each family member to look like going forwards. But it's not really appropriate for a child (even an adult child) to intervene in their parents' relationship woes. Trust them to handle it as they see fit.
I hope that you will be able to make it through this change and upheaval without too many emotional scars. Sometimes the revelation of a secret or betrayal by one family member can seem devastating - it throws all of the "before" times into a completely different light when you realise that your "perfect" family included a cheating dad for quite a long time before anyone realised. The contrast can be especially sharp for children, whose parents perhaps shelter them by smoothing over the cracks when their relationship with each other is under strain. You're likely to start seeing your parents as flawed, human, people for the first time, now that something has finally reached a breaking point.
I'd suggest talking about this (you and your brother) with a counsellor, if possible. You're likely to have a lot of mixed feelings during this transitional time, and it would be good to allow yourself time to fully acknowledge them.
Imperfect families can still be pretty good - all four of you are going to settle into a new configuration, but equilibrium will be achieved somehow. It will turn out sort of OK. I wish you all the best.
ReplyMy mom doesn't know abt his affair till now. Me and my brother knows abt it only.
ReplyThanks a lot for your advice. Means a lot
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