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Every since I was young and I can remember my father has always been a hard worker always working 24/7, was hardly home in order to provide us everything that we needed and wanted financially. But any time he was home he always brought back anger, aggression and frustration from his job I suppose, but in general my dad had a really bad temper, like bad. My dad has owned 2 businesses, 1 was an architect company back in the eighties which he had to file bankruptcy for because people werent paying up. After that he held 2 to 3 jobs, one was being a cop which I think was fired for use excessive force. Ugh, that profession made his aggression and attitude worst, I think. He also thought he was bad ass, very full of himself. Then he started an Hvac company. I have no idea how that company is doing or if he sold it. My dad was also a man of many secrets and childhood trauma. He left his home at 17 and accomplished everything on his own, so I'm proud of my father's accomplishments and I can understand the attitude and aggression but I didn't appreciate it cause he projected that aggression on us, his children. I don't speak to my father, and believe me when I say I wanted him out of our lives since the first time I found out he cheated on my mom. I was between 8-10 years old. My mother is a very traditional Mexican woman, submissive, caring and kind. She was also very creative but she wanted someone to take care of her. See women in Mexico back in the day, the goal is to marry a man with financial security, not to be independent cause women didn't make much at the time. She came to the states in her late twenties and met two women that helped her in so many ways, they took care of my mom and gave her a job. I use to go with my mom sometimes cause I couldn't be left alone in the house. My mom did have a few jobs through the years to help out my dad, but she was mainly being my father's "assistant", picking up his laundry, company mail, etc and he would pay her as his employee like 200 bucks a week. Either way, my dad wanted a servant wife. Clean the house, cook the food, take care of kids and he pays the bills but was hardly home. Honestly, I kind of liked that way.
My father wanted my brother and I to take over his business but neither one of us wanted it. We didn't want the responsibility of owning a business especially one we had no interest in. See my brother is not good with Administration he prefers working in the field. My brother is an HVAC technician, he just didn't want to own his own business especially handling or working with our dad. Our dad was not the easiest to talk to or work with. I personally didn't want to run his business cause I had no interest or passion for HVAC systems and I also didn't like working with him.
When I was a child I wanted to be an Art Teacher in high school. Well, that didn't plan out for certain reasons, but I did end up teaching Art to kids at the school of Renaissance Fine Arts and was a teacher assistant to a few teachers of all grade levels for a few years. Didn't really enjoy teaching as I thought I would. I also wasn't advised at a young age that Art teachers are the first to be cut in the school system when there are budget cuts which makes it not a high demanding job and it pays shit when you're dealing with ungrateful, stubborn, annoying, rude students and the parents are sometimes worst. So needless to say my childhood dream job of being an art teacher was not the best choice as I got older. I've pursued many job careers and education but there was always something I found in the profession that discouraged me. I think to myself, am I going to be happy with this career in the long run, can I work in this position for decades? And the answer to myself was, nope. Not digging it, I'm out. I've worked for over 30 different companies since I was 16 years old. I'm very well rounded in my skills and experiences. I've even opened my own small online business to sell my art and jewelry I make. This is my way was still having art in my life without the pressure of making a living off of it.
Starving artists is a real thing, we don't make a lot just selling our art. And majority of artists back in history became well known after they died, that's when their art started selling. Thinking of that is sad but the positive is, these artists became legends and a part of history. But still, while they lived, they suffered a lot and were unappreciated. While being an artist is a part of who I am, I do not plan on making a living off of it because it's not financially secure. I also do not want to work my ass off or become a workaholic where I do not have time to enjoy the life I have while Im alive. When it comes to selling art I get bored doing the same style, so I start another project. See that was another issue of mine, that artists had to have series of paintings similar to each other. I don't do that. A lot my art is not like another, I have some series of paintings but then I get bored and find something different to create. I'm also very into creating art by crafts. So my work is never the same and majority is created for a esthetic value, not much meaning behind my art. Art doesn't always have to have some meaning in my opinion.
As I got older I realize that I don't want the responsibility of owning a high demanding business, that even though I'll make lots of money and be financially secure I would not be happy working 24/7 like my father did constantly worrying about my employees doing their job and doing it well and giving them what they need. He brought home frustration, stress and agression to the house. I lived in fear of my father, more than love. I dont talk to my father anymore the moment he decided to leave my mother after decades of being married because she was developing dementia and my father told my half brother that he couldn't deal with it or take care of my mom. Mind you, they are seperated but still married, she asked for a divorce but he said to her, "If you want it, then go get it". My mother being such a codependent, never learning English and not educating herself more when she had the opportunity didnt take the initiative to get one because she didnt know how. Now shes like, whatever about it, and I just shake my head in disappointment. Ive also bevame my mothers POA for all her medical needs and taking charge of her health. Yes, my father still pays for all her house bills etc but that would be automatically applied by law if they got divorced because she would most likely keep everything since I would be a witness to my fathers adultery, but she still defends him (rolling my eyes). I lost respect for my father and his value on marriage. My mother was loyal while he cheated on her multiple times. I guess I realized that being a workaholic brings out the worst in people. I also know that life can end at any moment, you can die in an accident and you never really appreciate the life you have and spending time with those that matter. Granted my dad had such an attitude that spending family time wasn't my favorite and felt forced. He made me realize that I didn't want to be like him in terms of being a liar, cheater, abuser, lack of honor, bad attitude, short tempered, workaholic. His first marriage he had 3 kids and his first wife whom he hates with a passion took his kids and left him because he was a short tempered abusive father. But what's messed up is that he didn't even bother to look for his kids at all to be a part of our lives. He just started a new family. I didn't know I had half siblings until I was 30 years old. We got in touch because the youngest of the three is a private investigator and he found my dad. He's the only one that still talks to my dad. Everyone else cut him out for good reasons. My father has no real knowledge on how to be a good father or a good husband besides providing a check and no real value on the sanctity of marriage and vows. He also called me an ungrateful bitter woman, that was the last thing he said to me before I told him to never contact me again.
To add on, I also lost a close friend from high school at the age of 22, by a drunk driver during Thanksgiving holiday. After senior year we fell through, I wasn't talking to her because of some argument we had. She did try to call me but I refused to talk to her and so years passed I ran into her while she was working and she came out to say hi and it felt awkward and I was giving one word answers, being cold. Then I heard she passed, and I felt terrible for acting like such a chump. She tried to make amends and reaching out a few times cause she appreciated our friendship and I was being too prideful. I did visit her at the cemetery and I still have picture of us together. She was a good friend and the stupid argument shouldn't have mattered as long as both parties are willing to apologize and make amends. So put aside petty arguments. See, people think they got all the time in the world but that's not entirely true for everyone.
Now I'm like, dream job... honey I got no dream job, I do not dream of labor. My goals are to find a career that is fully remote so I have more freedom, doesn't stress me out or frustrates me, and pays at least 60k a year or more with medical and dental benefits from a good insurance company like blue shield, because fuck Kaiser and Aetna. Continue selling my art and jewelry through my online business. Travel as much as possible to visit every Disneyland in the world. Then buy property somewhere and build my custom tiny home where I will grow old and die if I get that far. Marriage, no thank you, but I'll have the wedding party and dress. Who knows though, some dude maybe crazy enough to genuinely ask me to marry him, and I maybe crazy enough to say yes. At least I value the meaning and commitment of marriage and monogamy. I value my friendships more than ever as well. And I think what came out of all of this and from my other experiences and mistakes was a better version of myself with a much greater appreciation and value for life and those that honestly are there for me with good intentions and vice versa. Don't take certain people and things for granted. And live the best life possible sharing memorable experiences with those you care for.
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Thank you for this interesting post.
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