my mom is my bully

ive got a lot of issues growing up. and one of that is my mom raising me not as gentle as mom's should've. As a first born, everytime I made mistakes I was scolded right away. As I grow up, I've seen my mom become more patient and gentle with my siblings that I wish she did with me. Althougu she changed her ways with my siblings, it wasnt the case for me. Whenever I do something, she always makes sure that she would make me feel less or that it is not enough or as great as others achievement. She constantly reminds me to be like someone else because they are good and that's what an eldest child does. Whenever I scold my siblings for doing something that isnt right, she would always take their side and turn the table and make everything my fault and would bring back past mistakes that I've done. Evrytime I fought back, she would point out how ungrateful I am, how insolent I am, and I will never become someone better, I will never achieve things in life. She keeps invalidating me every time I try to speak or reason out. Im just gonna say I wasnt a perfect daughter or sib. I have moments. But i dont think I deserve this. I already tired of life as it is, yet I dont feel like I have the right to rest and be happy because of her.