What do you wish your parents would have done different?

I oftentimes wonder what my childhood would have looked like with a different set of parents. Would I have known I was smart or that college was an achievable goal? Would I have had help with my homework, school projects, or had someone push me to do my best? Would I have had a snack during snack time, had a lunchable (with a drink) on field trips, or been able to get ice cream at the end of lunch? Would I have been able to have friends come over without fear that my Dad would be drunk and stumbling around or that roaches would scramble across the floor, ceiling, or furniture? Would I have been able to wake up in the morning without seeing my breath because it was so cold? Would I not have to run to the middle of the house where the heater was, shivering, and not wanting to move because it was the only warm place in the house? Would I not have to to wake in the night and drink water out of the bathroom sink because there were no clean dishes and not had to play the floor is lava (before it was cool) because the kitchen floor was rotting? Would I not have to ask my brother if I could come into his room when my dad was tossing my Mom around the living room like a rag doll.. my heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears.. doubled over in pain because my stomach hurt so bad? Would I not have to push my nightstand in front of my door in fear, clutching tight to my chest my Jesus Freak book, because there was a party at my house and everyone was drunk and high except me? Would I not have to stay up at night to make sure my Dad didn’t burn the house down with his cigarette because he was drunk and high.. remind him in a soft, kind voice to please go to bed? Would my parents show up to my cheerleading completions, football games, and basket ball games? Would I not feel invisible after my brother left for war? Would I not be allowed to go to a boys house in the sixth grade? Would I not be allowed to go to my boyfriends house every day and stay out late? Would I not be allowed to see someone six years older than me at age 16, get pregnant, and move out at 17? Would I have had better judgement? I see young people today. They have something I never had. They have something I still don’t have. They have a confidence about them. A certainty. I missed it somehow. Was it because of the way I was raised? Was it because my basic needs as a child weren’t met? Was it because of my parents? I won’t ever know. But I know I’ve spent most of my adult life recovering from all the missing pieces I still have.

Sincerely,

A woman in her 30’s still trying to heal her inner child.