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As someone who has had previous suicide attempts, I know for certain that my next will be my last. I'm unsure of the when but I'm pretty sure in the how. Of course, I'm not morbid nor do I want to be "inspirational" in a sense to give ideas to others in the how. Even previous attempts I do not like to disclose "the how" I tried. I do not also like being asked because it is deeply personal and to go back to that time is to remember the mindset and be again entrenched in the torment of it all. When the kind-minded others say "It will get better", it's really hard not to cringe. Not at the corniness of it, but at the "Will it? No, not to me." and without furthering the conversation along when honestly I just want it to end. The belief isn't there yet for me and it hasn't been in a very long time. People say it's for attention but if that were true, wouldn't the friends have helped when help was asked? But no. Every minute is a struggle to get to the next. Every thought is a painful memory of my existence and my self worth shot to hell. There's a lot more to the story and easy to judge on this alone and what I've learned that while it's SO easy to judge - the effort it takes to understand a person is a much harder ask considering that even when you think you know everything about a person, there's still more to learn and know. Humans are a never-ending story. How do you claw your way back up from being buried in your own grave? Every stroke of the shovel throwing dirt is a hurt, a mistake, a disappointment, heartache and you name it in life to happen. What can be done when my soul was already shattered by the loss of my mother and now the break-up. I never expected to live to my current age nor do I expect to live past the age of my mother when she passed.
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If you say "will it get better? No not to me" its like you're accepting defeat. Life is hard. It is exhausting at times. Im sorry for the bad things that happened to you, your break up and for your mom. I believe you're stronger than what you believe you are. All I will say is I believe the world is better having you in it.
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