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I would like to start by saying I am sorry for how long this is lol...
Also if your seeing this twice its because I posted the first one before I created and account and it didn't switch over when I created it so Im posting it again.
I can not get my emotions in check. I have felt lonely for so long now and it drags me down more and more day by day. Two years ago I had about a total of 6 "friends". 2 of them whom I still love, 1 who I would rather never see again, 2 who now make it seem like they couldn't care less if they never spoke to me again, and 1 who I will probably never see again but we ended on good terms. The two friends that I love are complicated. One of them is pretty easy. We still talk almost all the time and we see each other pretty often for two people who live 3 and a half hours away from each other. The other one that I absolutely love is harder. We used to never be apart. She graduated before me but that never stopped us. She would invite me over to her apartment almost every weekend, but now she works a full time job while also doing college and she now lives with her boyfriend. All that being said we went from being closer than sisters to pretty distant and honestly missing her hurts more than loosing a friendship. The one who I couldn't care less about made me feel like we were best friends while she talked about me behind my back 24/7. I figured out that she would constantly lie to me about why we couldn't hang out outside of school. I finally had to cut her off because not only was she lying to me but she was always causing drama at our school and it was affecting my mental state pretty badly. The one that ended on good terms is kinda the same in the sense that I was letting her take a tole on my mental heath. Not because she was lying to me but because I saw how she treated her other friends and then how she treated me. I got the worse of it. When I decided to go my separate way it hurt pretty badly because we had known each other for the longest and we did have really good memories together, but those memories were not enough for how the relationship was mentally affecting me. Because we ended on good terms I have no hatred towards her but I will always be honest in saying that I miss the memories more than her herself. The other two hurt bad. I thought that I had life long friends up until months ago. One whom decided to room with me at college and the other who had been my friend since middle school. The one from middle school is still on and off. We talk but rarely. It got to the point that we were both going through serious mental heath issues. The thing was that I was always there for her no matter what. I skipped class to go make sure she was okay, I drive to her house at 2 in the morning because she was having a bad day. I did all this and more but yet when I needed her she always came up with reasons as to why she couldn't be there for me. Now for my roommate, we were very close. She wasn't even going to apply to our college and then I did and told her to because why not. She ended up getting in and she decided to go to the same school. When she got there she ended up meeting a relative she never knew. This was all fine to me and I was very happy for her, but has the months went on she just forgot about me. She would spend all day and night with them and then when she would come home she wouldn't spend time with me or talk to me almost at all. It made me feel like the most alone person in the world. We had both said that having a friendship like that would make going to college far from home so much easier and that we would find more friends together. But not she got a new cousin and I'm all alone. I know how I feel but do I have a right to feel it since I cut off at least two of those friendships. Should I have just stayed in them and gotten over how I was feeling?
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This was so long. IT seems that at the time when you cut off those two friends it was the right thing to do. It is done now, and it is no use crying over spilt milk (as the saying goes). Life goes forward not backward so get on with things and relax and go with the flow.
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