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stabbing myself in the neck. I'm wondering how it would feel, and if I would knock out from the pain like I always do. Maybe I want to fall from a tall building and get impaled.
Those are a glimpse of my thoughts. If I lose my job because I'm incompetent then I'll also lose my girlfriend. She isn't mentally strong enough to handle another job loss and will leave me to have a stable life with her family.
If that happens then I'll surely kill myself.
It's not that I rely on her. I just made her my one reason to live at some point, and haven't found any other reasons. I've tried living for food, music, art... but I can leave that behind. Maybe someone else? No. Not really.
I've been recommended to go to therapy on multiple occasions, but it'll cost me an arm and a leg. And financial burden only makes these feelings stronger. If there is a way to get free therapy then I'll get it. But if not, then I'm just waiting for the day I'll kill myself.
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Instead of going to therapy see a psychiatrist. In the mean time look at the positive things in your life and be thankful for them. So, change your attitude.
ReplyYour post makes total sense, and even though your thoughts turn to suicide, there’s a rational method to your madness. “If this happens then that will happen, then the next thing…” etc. So it sounds like mentally you’re solid. The problem is the situation you’re in. And I totally get your strategy of living for 1 thing (your gf). Many people do that, living only for their child, or their career. So again, that’s rational. Maybe you can figure out how to do damage control if you lose your job. Have a talk with your gf and tell her you might get fired BUT you have a backup plan. (Then of course figure out a backup plan.)
Hang tight man. You’ve got the situation clear in your head, you just need to set those suicidal thoughts aside and instead focus on tiny steps, one step at a time to get outta that mess.
ReplyIf your girlfriend would leave you over a job loss do you think she's reliable then? Jobs can be lost and others found. I think if you're making your girlfriend your sole purpose to live that's dangerous ground to tread on because there's no guarantee she won't let you down in the future. Don't let her be your main reason to live is what I mean. Im sure you can find other things too. Live life one day at a time.
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