IM SO CONFUSED

I'm 18 and a grade 12 student. I can say that I really excel in school since I prioritizes my studies. However, when I have a crush on one of my classmates, I think I lost my self. I can't seem to concentrate and my mind kept thinking about him.

By the way, if I would measure our lives: I am an introvert, in a middle-class family, a very conservative person, not so religious, intelligent (in school), an artist, chubby, has a scary/strict face, small circle of friends, quiet, and super selfish;

He on the other hand, he is an athlete who ranked as #2 in 18 below players (he's so amazing), a sacristan (super religious), gamer, not intelligent but street smart, he travelled from places due to his tournaments, he's super strong, thin has a cute face, extrovert, has a large group of friends and knows a looooot of people.

So the problem here is that I think I consider him just as a crush, like I admire him since he's so cool and the things he have already done is way too out of my league and I could never done that with my personality. He talks about it with glimmering eyes and every time I adore it like he's taking me to another world and experience where I can only hear from him.

Our first encounter is in our school, we were classmates and we are in the same group in one of our subject. Since, he's not bright enough, he approached me to help him in his report, there I can see that he really have a hard time understanding simple topics, however in some point of our conversation I got to know him and in that particular day, we talked for hours straight about his life from morning up until after class. There, we started to become close and often times he would approach me and talk about his achievements in his sport, tell me about his family, and sometimes he would accompany me on my way home.

His presence overwhelmed me and I like his company, he makes me feel like a real woman. There I got too attached and he's all over my mind, especially during weekends. For the next two weeks, I know that I really do have a crush on him. In that month also was our midterms, I can feel that he seems to be avoiding me and can't look at me in the eyes anymore. I know that he also see me highly due to my grades. Also he returned a year in school since he was not able to pass all his requirements, he's suppose to be a college student now.

So let's move on, a month after, he confessed his feelings to me in a bar when he drank a little. I also confessed. We agreed to be MU's only since I'm still not allowed to be in a relationship. We became close, I would go to church to attend the mass and see him and in school we would talk and sometimes he would accompany me whenever I would go to my classmate's house to do research.

Everything seems to be good and working well, however, he's way too serious. He talked about his plans in the future like our future dates, wedding, and kids. However, I think that my feelings for him is not the same way as he felt. If I would give an example to how I feel is, it is like being a kpop fan. I admire him since he's talented and so on, I like giving him my admiration in a way that kpop fans would do to their idols. But, he wants to really have a relationship with me which I'm not too certain about.

Because of that, now that I have enough time to think due to Christmas break, I think that this is not beneficial to me. I am way too distracted and I can't sacrifice my studies because of a man. I cannot do my work like before. I never seem to have time to be by myself and think. Most of my thoughts are about him and I don't like it. I think that it is unfair. But, I also don't want to hurt him. I know that I'm the problem, it's because when I know that someone reciprocates my feelings, I would feel distant and feel like I need to pull away myself to them. I just can't stop feeling this way. I felt sorry, since I've been making him to have hopes, where in fact, I'm being too romantic to satisfy his needs alone and to make him feel good about himself. My efforts are due to the fact that I want him to fall for me even harder and I don't even want to take things seriously since I'm sure that he is not the right man for me, we are opposites.