12/28/22

This is typed for whoever reads this and it's typed for God, because I you're always watching. Today is Wednesday, just another ordinary day in life. I feel the same per usual either depressed or envious of others and the luxurious and fulfilled lives that they have. I sit her depressed because I am unhappy with the life I have financially, socially and securely. I don't think I've ever been this hard on myself. Often comparing my life to others. But it's like I refuse to see failure in my future. BECAUSE it's something I would hate to happen. I am so unhappy with my life to the point where I have become even more risk taking. For years, I've forced myself to do things for the sake of survival. Now I feel as if it's time for me to consider things in my life for more than survival but, for my own happiness. I finally got the strength to drop out of school and pursue what I really want. Years ago, I would have never thought I'd actually do it. I guess it was the loans that gave me the strength. I just couldn't accept taking out loans for a career that I never actually wanted. Imagine going in dept for something you don't actually want to do. It's scary and definitely not worth it in my opinion. I keep hearing and reading that life is too short and that I am too young to not live up my life. And that encouraged me to actually try. I know that I am very unhappy with my life, I rarely live in it mentally. I'm always daydreaming or living in my head. It just seems to be more exciting in my head than in reality. Reality sucks, its mentally draining. And sometimes you even question is life worth living if it's not the life you seek. I'd rather be dead. There's a lot of things I'd rather do, but maybe I'm just crazy. Today is December 28, 2022. We'll see what else I get me into. I am 22 years old, confused, insecure and lost. I am scared. Mostly scared of my future. I'm scared to love. I am scared to let go and let loose. I am afraid of rejection and it's the reason for the walls that I have built over myself. It's the reason why I am stubborn. I'd rather run from the future. But it's impossible which is why I worry and stress a lot. The path that I am going down seems to be a bit reckless and risk taking. And it can only go two ways, I succeed, or I become a riskful taking failure of a person with the ability to even say I tried. I guess will have to wait in see because like I said before, I can't predict the future!