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I'm tired. I long the day to be seen. When I was younger I used to be so popular, I used to have so many friends. Well, I thought they were friends. I transferred to another school during covid, I used online classes to my advantage, and luckily i was able to go f2f for a quarter. I came back and apparently i missed a lot. I missed so much that look at that! I cant fit in anymore. Every lunch break feels like a spotlight is pointed at me, but the only audience watching was my thoughts because I knew nobody was actually saying that, or maybe they do who knows. "Look at this loner." "To think they used to be popular!" "They look so lonely, I pity them." it sucks. Beside me are my classmates laughing to each other, while I'm in the middle thinking everyone else is laughing at me. Across me is my friend who I trusted my secrets to, now looking at me like Im a stranger. Oh, recess! the worst part. All my "friends" are in a group while Im just walking around like an idiot. Im not even going anywhere. Sometimes I tag along but I just make a fool out of myself. I now tell myself "they wouldn't come up to you if you were alone." It mostly worked. So obviously I spend most of my time alone. I've gotten used to it. But I feel bad for my actual friends (they're in the school i used to go during covid). I want to be there for them, I still talk to them but I've just been so alone it feels normal. Yeah, I've isolated myself from them but for good reason. It's for them. Of course I'd feel shitty that I'm not being a good friend. But I want to trust someone and cry on their shoulder, let it all out. But they deserve better, and I can't get myself to cry anyway. (Writing this i feel like I should be crying but I can't, I should be sleeping too, its 4 am but I can't get myself to sleep. who cares.) I wish they never met me. I wish I was invisible to them too so I wouldn't be such a burden. What I'm also saying is when I'm seen, it gets tiring. I long to be seen, but being invisible feels expected to the point where it's comfortable.
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I know isolation can feel comforting sometimes but when you find your people it is so freeing. I know it feels so tough at the moment but you will never be a burden. You will find the people that see you. I’m sure your friends from your old school would be for you but it’s okay if that’s too hard. I believe in you and I hope you will be able to believe in yourself too someday soon :)
Replythank you, I appreciate that a lot
ReplyThat’s okay, I’m here if you need someone to talk to!
Reply