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Recently I have bien feeling threataned by recurrent thougts that may be seen as the ones an egoistic and narcissistic person would own.
Being honest, I really fear this thoughts would conquer my mind and end being real things.
I would like to talk about this feelings without sounding like a bad friend, so if you allowed me I will proceed.
And just like the the title says this innappropiate thoughts are about having an "empty garden". And it's simply means, that I think I'm not good at taking care of flowers.
Leasing behind the complicarte metaphors, I just wished I was better with people, specially, with my people.
Now that I feel the happiest next to the one I love who inspires me to the point I compare "Sunna" to my muse and I only whish her the best god could think of, sometimes is difficult handling a lot of things.
Don't get me wrong, I could do everything for Sunna just as admitting my wrongs and changing for the best for me and her, what concerns me is that since it feels like ages since I felt so close to someone as I feel now with my beloved Sunna, I King of forget which emotions basic social skills humans have haha silly me.
I beg you forgiveness I hope you are not already thinking of leaving this text, let this teenager explain it easier to you.
The point is I feel envious of my dear Sunna to the point I could burst into tears on the floor, because sometimes it feels like she has all that was stolen from me at my birth. I'm so glad she is so clase to my childhood friends (I'm very shy and trust in very few people!)
But the fact I see them being, being so connected sometimes breaks me.
They get along, they reales get along while I just limit myself to share one premeditated nice robotic phrase. I'm kind of a ver overprotective and possesive teen with those loved ones, not lying, just like a child with his toys would be.
Nos I feel like those that grown up with me belong to Sunna, that they are in good hands and honestly even though I know it is an infant way of thinking, I feel relieved and seguridad about it.
So going now to the point, sometimes when I mess up with my friends or I don't feel enough to Sunna I feel pathetic. My chest starts feeling emptier and aches just like a cave, and I bet a cave isn't a very welcoming place.
Like a failure, and my first instinct is escaping, going far where no one can see me crumble knowing that all my loved ones would be better without me, comparing myself to people I have given my secrets, my jokes, my promises.
Comparing myself to Sunna, the one I love more than myself, digging my braing it's own grave while my eyes cristalize like mirrors of the words my heart whispers. I have always been bad saying things without sweets lies hiding what I reales meant, but if something can be taken as a veredict is my Will to be around those I love my friendo, my family and my lovely Sunna.
Is just so difficult, to know I can't take
care of my own garden even if it's full with the flowers I most love and I frequently think of having an empty garden, to escape cowardly knowing it would grow out more grudge for myself. Do you think this would cease somehow? Thank you for reading it to the end, I really appreciate it stranger.
Sorry if triste was a sad story, I cherish for you to have a pleasant day.
Will you pray for my luck aswell? Today Sunna is a bit sad cause they found her cheating at an exam, I will try to cheer her up! Wishing you the best stranger!☆
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Sorry about the mistakes! English is not my native language!
ReplyWishing you the best too.
ReplyHi, that's really sad. Anyway, comparing yourself to others won't do you any good. There's always someone out there who's way better than us, just like how other people think we're way better than them. Wishing you the best and hoping for your happiness in life! Take care and stay safe! :)
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