Lonely when surrounded

I've been feeling very lonely lately. I feel as though people don't care. Luke at school I'm surrounded by lots of people but I feel so alone. I'm always the one standing in a group of people but I don't feel welcome to talk. When I do say something it's like no one really cares. They sort of listen but don't add on to what I have to say. They move on. I just don't understand why I am not liked that much. Maybe people don't hate me. Maybe it's just that they don't particularly like me. To me, it seems like everyone just is indifferent or doesn't care. I really want to have a good connection with someone.

I'm so jealous to those who have it easy. Those who seem to be able to get along with others without much effort. I try do hard but I always become distant with anyone I get even slightly close to being friends with.

When I'm in class at school, I don't really know where to sit. Like there's already people who have formed friendship groups but I know I'm not welcome. I'm not welcome because I have already tried to be friends with them but they don't care enough.

Anyway, my anxiety also gets in the way. I have realised it does have an impact on my daily life and my interactions with people. I have become almost scared to talk to people I would usually. I am way too scared about how others view me. I am scared about whether or not they will judge me. I am afraid to lose people even though I feel I don't have anyone.

But now that I think about it, I have realised that I hate school. Not only because of the work I have to do, but mainly because I feel so left out and lonely outside of class. I seriously prefer being in class and doing work instead of break time at lunch and stuff. I would rather do work than sit on my own or be surrounded by people who I don't feel any connection to.

I literally have tried to be friends with all of the girls in my grade. It's a small school so there's not actually that many girls. I'm not even allowed to hang out with people from other grades. Its a weird rule.

I really just wish people would give me more of a chance. I would probably eventually get more comfortable with someone if they put effort into being nice to me. I would say I'm nice to others and help them with work in class because I'm smart. Maybe they take advantage of me and only keep me around because they know I'm too nice. But I'm not going to change myself. I will not stop being nice because they potentially take advantage.

I'll just keep on wishing for me to finally have a true connection with someone and to be friends.